Ok, We selected the best quotes from Barney Stinson already. Now it´s time for another of the greatest characters on TV: Scrubs Dr Perry Cox
And we selected the Best Quotes from Dr Perry Cox on Scrubs
Hope you like them.
Best Quotes from Dr Perry Cox on Scrubs
“Scrubs: My New God (#5.5)” (2006)
Dr. Cox: Remind me again, why are you having our son babtised?
Jordan: Oh what do you care? You’re not even going!
Dr. Cox: Fine, let him go to chruch. I mean i let him go to magic shows. I’ll just tell him it’s all a lie when he gets home, so he doesn’t have any of those crazy nightmares
Jordan: By the way, i invited your sister
Dr. Cox: Oh Jordan please tell me you didn’t!
Jordan: Oh i’m sorry sweetie. I don’t think she’d be so upset. I’ll call her and tell her not to come.
Jordan: How weird would it be if i was like that?
J.D.: When is this joy assescation?
Dr. Cox: You’re not invited
J.D.: Oh i see, family only everyone. That’s how they’re doing it
Carla: I’m going
Dr. Cox: Newbie, give me a break of course you’re going! For the matter of fact, i’d like you to be the boys godfather
J.D.: [whispering] I… am… honored!
Dr. Cox: [whispering] I… am lying
Dr. Cox: Everyone! This is my sister Paige. Paige I’d like you to meet random people I don’t care about
J.D.: Hi I’m JD! I’m sure Perry has spoken of me
J.D.: Nothing about taking a taunted go getter under his wig or being surrogate father to a boy who lost his one? Nothing about that at all? I’m surprised. It’s interesting for me, but okay!
J.D.: Don’t cry in front of people
Paige: Perry and I don’t talk much
J.D.: Ohhh they don’t talk much everybody! There’s not much talking in the family.
Dr. Cox: Rest assured, Newbie. Even if we did talk from morning till night about all the big and tiny things that matter most to me. The big being my son Jack, a cure for cancer and the resurgence of the hard-shelled taco; the small…
Paige: [copying Cox] The small being my ex-wife Jordan, wind energy and a-ha-hall fruit-infused liquors… your name still would not have come up.
Paige: You know what used to drive Perry nuts as a kid? Every night we’d play horse in the driveway and i’d always kick his ass
J.D.: Can Christians say ass now? I have a friend, Pat Casey, he called his mum an ass once. She hit him in the face with an iron. He still goes to church, but he can’t whistle anymore
Paige: Okay, i need to go say hi to Jordan
[she walks off. Cox arrives as soon as Paige is gone]
J.D.: She’s dynamite. How’d you end up with a born again Christian sister?
Dr. Cox: I don’t know. Maybe the TV was broken one day and she picked up the bible and found it to be just a darn good read. Or, maybe it had something to do with out mothers ability to watch silently as our dad drunkenly knocked us from room to room. What do you think Newbie?
J.D.: Probably the room to room thing
J.D.: Dr. Cox! If it makes you feel any better, at the baptism I’ll be there to keep Paige company
Dr. Cox: Yeah. You’re not going
J.D.: Dammit! Stupid baptism.
J.D.: Morning, sunshine!
Dr. Cox: Never say that again
J.D.: Noted. That was quite a fight you had with your sister yesterday. Won’t it be a little awkward when you show up at St. Mary’s Cathedral on the corner of Maple and Pine, right across from Temple Oheb Shalom, at 4 P.M. today?
Dr. Cox: That’s not where the baptism is, but nice try.
J.D.: Mark my words… when that little bastard’s dipped in water, I will be there.
Dr. Cox: Anyway, I just invited Paige to come by. Mr. Donnelly’s labs came back and it looks like the steroid is finally working. If you happen to be keeping score at home, that would be Medicine, One -God, Zero.
J.D.: Ah, you don’t have to rub it in her face.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, and I don’t have to stick Kelso’s stethoscope down my pants every morning, but I still do. Now isn’t there some other relationship you could be out there trying to fix?
Dr. Cox: Could I comment on the baptism dress?
Paige: I think you should wait to see the matching slippers and tiny handbag
Dr. Cox: You’re actually encouraging him to cross-dress on the same day that you’re introducing him to a religion that will condemn him to Hell for it. That’s a trauma twofer.
Jordan: Can you two please just try to get along? Now I’m getting some blush for Jack, because this lace collar is washing out his face. Terrible.
Dr. Cox: Paige, will you just acknowledge that medicine made Mr. Donnelly better?
Paige: Fine. It was medicine.
Dr. Cox: Aha
Paige: Thank God for creating medicine
Dr. Cox: [Flipping out] A-ghe-de-geh-geh-geh!
Dr. Cox: That’s it! That is it.
[Grabs Jack, who begins giggling wildly]
Dr. Cox: Now you, you may be a total goner, but God’s not getting his hands on this one. No way, no how. Come on, Jackie boy, we got places to go.
J.D.: You can rub mine’s belly if I can rub yours’.
Dr. Cox: Don’t you touch my son
Dr. Cox: There will be no whining or crying while we sit here, understood?
J.D.: [Stroking Jack’s hair] He seems fine.
Dr. Cox: I wasn’t talking to him.
J.D.: I don’t whine or cry.
Janitor: Really? Then how do you explain these photos of you whining and crying as you run away from the Kwans’ apartment?
J.D.: These are coasters.
Janitor: My camera’s broken.
Dr. Cox: You know what, there, Newbie? You can go to the baptism. Now take Jack; Jordan’ll kill me if he’s not there. Plus, I know you – you’re exactly one watered-down appletini away from trying to fix my sister and me.
J.D.: No, thank you. If there’s one thing I learned from this guy
[gestures at the Janitor]
J.D.: , it’s I need to stop trying to fix people’s relationships.
Janitor: You’re welcome
J.D.: Still, I’ve never known you to judge a person based on their beliefs. In fact, you’re pretty tolerant of everyone. Except Hugh Jackman
Dr. Cox: Meh
J.D.: I just don’t understand why your sister being religious bothers you so much
Dr. Cox: It doesn’t
J.D.: Then why are you so angry?
Dr. Cox: It’s not the God stuff.
[Faces her seriously]
Dr. Cox: I have worked hard to try to forget everything about our childhood. But when I see you, I… I can’t think about anything else.
Paige: It’s hard for me, too.
Dr. Cox: But I don’t see why you can’t be there for the major events in Jack’s life
Paige: I’d love to see him turn three
Dr. Cox: The *major* events, Paige: His graduation, his wedding, his divorce, and his funeral… the Big Four
Paige: I beat you at Horse, he has a church wedding
Dr. Cox: Done
Dr. Cox: You know, Paige is a silly name.
Paige: Perry’s worse
“Scrubs: My New Game (#4.3)” (2004)
Jordan: Have a good day. Try not to torture anyone so much that they take their own lives.
Dr. Cox: I’ll try. You know, you’re not looking as processed and overly-medicated as usual.
Jordan: That is so sweet!
Dr. Cox: Don’t tell me – you and Sweaty Teddy here are gonna finally have that commitment ceremony you’ve been dreaming about?
Dr. Kelso: Perry, even if I went that way – and believe me, there were nights in the service when it didn’t sound so far-fetched – Ted is hardly my type.
Ted Buckland: I beg to differ, I’ve seen Enid.
Carla: Miss Myers is ready to have her bandages removed now.
Dr. Cox: Who do you mean, dashboard-face?
Carla: Yeah, I think she prefers “Miss Myers.”
Dr. Cox: Well then she probably shouldn’t be checking her e-mail while she’s driving ninety miles an hour.
Dr. Cox: You know what? I’ve got a son, I don’t fantasize about Jordan dying as much anymore, and, even though it wasn’t planned, I’m actually pretty happy about the way this whole marriage thing has worked out. Sooo, would you please stop your chirping and step away from my personal life?
Dr. Clock: So what’s his wife like?
Carla: So scary!
Dr. Cox: There’s no way in hell that I’m gonna listen to you complain about the rest of your life for the rest of my life, you got that?
Jordan: Yeah, not listening. By the way, now that we’re married again, we’ve gotta make out new wills in case one of us dies.
Dr. Cox: Oh, God, I hope it’s me.
Dr. Cox: Mm-hm. Why don’t you just…
Dr. Clock: Mind my own business. I know, your life is your life, and it’s not my job to fix it, unless of course you ask me to. And, man, would I get in there, ’cause I’m a good shrink and you, my friend, are a walking disaster. Shall we?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, I make it a point to never enter a shrink’s office unless I’m planning on grossly overpaying somebody for telling me something that I already know.
Dr. Clock: Look, you’re obviously really distracted by the situation with your marriage…
Dr. Cox: Something I already know, what do I owe? Will ten bucks cover it?
Dr. Cox: Jordan! Will you… will you divorce me?
Jordan: Ohh, I thought you’d never ask!
“Scrubs: My Half-Acre (#5.9)” (2006)
J.D.: I know I haven’t hit it in a white, but there’s good reasons for that
Dr. Cox: Two good reasons: his face and his personality.
J.D.: Sticks and stones may break my bones…
J.D.: But words will hurt forever
Jordan: Will you say good bye to Jack before I drop him off at preschool?
Dr. Cox: [pets his sons head] Bye, little man.
Jordan: Perry, this is your son, not a pitbull. Give him a kiss.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, he’s starting to look like a guy. And I’m just not real big on kissing guys. I mean, when my father wanted to show me affection he would just purposely miss when he threw bottles at my head.
Jordan: You are gonna be a much better dad than your dad was. Now give him a proper goodbye!
Dr. Cox: [shakes Jack’s hand] Son, always a pleasure. No more kissing!
[Cox walks off]
Jordan: You’re crazy!
Carla: I don’t understand, why wouldn’t you kiss him?
Dr. Cox: [singing voice] Stay out of it, Carla!
Mrs. Wilk: Stay out of what?
Carla: Dr. Cox won’t kiss his son.
Mrs. Wilk: What is wrong with you?
Dr. Cox: Ladies, I hate to disappoint but my quota for women who bug the living bejeezus out of me has been met for the next billion years.
Carla: I think he described all the extra effort he put in so you would tell him what an amazing doctor he is.
Mrs. Wilk: Now that you’ve told me it won’t sound sincere.
Carla: He won’t care.
Mrs. Wilk: Dr Cox, you’re amazing.
Dr. Cox: It’s just my job.
Lonnie: Dr. Cox, would you help me with a centeral line.
Dr. Cox: Fine, Lonnie. But hand to God, if you so much as look at me for the next month I will mummify your head in surgical tape.
Lonnie: Thank you Dr. Cox!
Lonnie: Is he gone? No? Hello?
Patient: I’m a Jehova’s Witness, I can’t get a transfusion. We believe that blood should not be passed from person to person
Dr. Cox: Well I’m a doctor and we believe that without surgery a patient in your condition can suffer from a major case of deadness.
Carla: Don’t worry, he will figure out another way to treat you
Dr. Cox: [laughing as he walks off] Hehehe! No he won’t!
Carla: So what’s the deal, cranky pants?
Dr. Cox: I’m just sick and tired of having to living up to everybody’s expectations. Lonnie needs a central line, you want me to help Mrs London and every patient in this dump looks at me for some miracle cure. I mean honestly Carla, with Jehovah as my witness, sometimes it is just too much.
Carla: Yeah, I’m not buying it. You’ve been putting up with this stuff around here for over 20 years.
Dr. Cox: Not just here; at home too. Jordan expects me to be this amazing sensitive father.
Carla: So that is what this is about? You shouldn’t sweat the sensitive Dad stuff. You’ll get there.
Dr. Cox: You don’t know anything.
J.D.: How did you know I’d move to fast with Julie?
Dr. Cox: How do you know that I can be that kind of dad?
Turk: How did you that Kelso just wanted respect?
Elliot: Because I know you!
Carla: Because I know you!
Janitor: Because I know him!
Todd: [watches it on the security camera] This is so cool!
“Scrubs: My Rite of Passage (#5.2)” (2006)
Jordan Sullivan: Let’s go Per!
Dr. Perry Cox: I’ve been waiting for an hour.
Jordan Sullivan: I know, I was leafing though a magazine and watching you on the security cameras. My favorite part is when you said “Screw her!” and then you stormed out, but then you came back because you realised
Jordan Sullivan: I have the keys!
Dr. Perry Cox: Jordan. Now that you work here *h-every* day, if the carpool torturing persists, I’m gonna put a plexi-glass seperator right down the middle of the car so you can’t drive me crazy – you can’t, you can’t, you can’t. Unfortunately your door handle doesn’t work from the inside, which simply means that if we’re in a fiery crash you won’t be able to get out. Eeh, whatever.
[Jordan walks off while Cox is still speaking. He doesn’t even notice]
Dr. Perry Cox: That’s a risk I’m sure willing to take.
[looks up to see Jordan gone]
Dr. Perry Cox: Jorderoo?
[camera switches to the view of Dr. Cox on the security monitor]
Dr. Perry Cox: Hello?
Jordan Sullivan: I’m in here! You can’t see me!
Dr. Perry Cox: Jordan!
Dr. John “J.D.” Dorian: [Jd is in “time-out” when Cox’s Interns for saying “let’s rock’n roll”] I’m an attending
Dr. Perry Cox: Tell it to the wall Newbie
Dr. Christopher Turk: How do i know this guy?
Dr. Perry Cox: Maybe you used to date him?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh that’s so clever. I’m gay! Wow! It’s good!
Dr. Perry Cox: I’m tired
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh. Would everyone please watch this? Because nobody, but nobody, cries like Sammy. He leads off with the Chin Quiver.
[Thompson does so]
Dr. Perry Cox: Then he goes right to the Look Away.
[Thompson drops his eyes, and waves off Jordan’s hand on his shoulder]
Dr. Perry Cox: He tries to hold it back but he just can’t because there’s too much pain!
[Thompson’s body shudders]
Dr. Perry Cox: And then finally, he squeezes out one single… tear
[mock cries and leads the applause]
Dr. Perry Cox: … Ladies and gentlemen, that is some quality Crack Addict Theatre!
Dr. Christopher Turk: I can’t watch this.
Nurse Roberts: Then move your big, bald biscuit head! Some of us don’t have cable.
Jordan Sullivan: Sam? What are you doing back here?
Sam Thompson: Hey, lambchop. Uh, crazy story – I was, uh, I was taking a bus to my plane ticket, there was an accident, and thank God I’m alive. I’d hug you but I, uh, uuuggghhh
[wiggles handcuffed hand and chuckles]
Sam Thompson: !
Dr. Kelso: Jordan. This is one of our most famous con artist-slash-drug addicts.
Sam Thompson: Nice to see you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: You as well. Turkleton? You’ve dealt with him before…
Sam Thompson: Hey, dude!
Dr. Kelso: why didn’t you tell her?
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Pointing at Cox] ‘Cause he told me not to!
Dr. Perry Cox: This is gonna cost you.
Dr. Perry Cox: It’s a rite of passage that you have to go through around here to be accepted.
Jordan Sullivan: Oh my God! You actually did something nice for me!
Dr. Perry Cox: No, no. No no no no no no no. It was a selfish act. If other people talk to you, you won’t have to talk to me!
“Scrubs: My Cake (#4.6)” (2004)
Dr. Perry Cox: Say, Barbie, for a second there, I thought you were being a little bit cold, but then you really saved it with the ”
Dr. Perry Cox: … ‘Kay.”
Dr. Elliot Reid: What are you going to do, hide from him all day and then call him “Ginger”?
Dr. Perry Cox: No. It’s Monday, which of course means it’s Ethnic Day, so I’ll be going with Rosalita, and besides, I have a plan.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Which is?
Dr. Perry Cox: Yeah, unfortunately, the first part of the plan is not to share it with people who annoy me. Want to hear the second part?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Sure
Dr. Perry Cox: I can’t. My hands are tied by the first part
Dr. Perry Cox: Hey, Newbie? Just in case you didn’t actually notice, I have been covering all your patients, answering all your pages, and doing pretty much everything shy of picking up your sundress from the drycleaners.
J.D.: Well, I didn’t ask you to do any of that, did I?
[he storms off]
Dr. Perry Cox: Outstanding! You’re walking away like a pissy little ingrate. I mean, bravo!
Dr. Perry Cox: Bravo, ah!
[He whistles as Ted walks up and joins him in applauding. Cox stops clapping]
Ted: What are we clapping for?
Dr. Perry Cox: His dad just died.
[Ted’s applause trails off]
Dr. Perry Cox: Dammit
Dr. Elliot Reid: Why are you still antagonising him?
Dr. Perry Cox: I don’t know. I can’t stop.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I am warning you, you better come through for him.
Dr. Perry Cox: What do you want me to do, anyway?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Be more sensitive. Try giving him a hug.
Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie… you’ve met be before, yes? Now, at most, I can muster one hug a year, and nine months ago I hugged my son, so: you’re gonna have to do it.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Um, you saw us before, we’re still awkward from the break-up.
Dr. Perry Cox: Hold the phone: are you suggesting that if I sleep with him, that I won’t have to deal with problems like this? Because I’m seriously considering taking that hit.
[as Elliot walks off]
Dr. Perry Cox: I mean, honestly, what is he like in post-game? Is there spooning? Because I don’t spoon, I’m not a spooner.
Dr. Perry Cox: Truth be told, there, Newbie: I’m proud of you.
Dan Dorian: Me too.
J.D.: [narrating] It’s amazing how a few simple words can change everything.
[Dr. Cox has duct-taped Dan’s head to the wall above the bathtub]
Dan Dorian: What’s this?
Dr. Perry Cox: It’s your basic homemade anti-drowning device to be worn until your brother returns.
Dan Dorian: …I like it.
Dr. Perry Cox: Listen, Dan…
Dan Dorian: [points to a beard of bubbles on his chin] Captain Bubblebeard. Sheaht yer scuppers, me hardies!
[Dr. Cox shoves Dan’s head under the bathwater]
Dr. Perry Cox: Now you’re Dan again! Let’s break down the kid’s support structure, shall we? He’s got me, an emotionally crippled narcissist; and he’s got you, an emotionally crippled narcissist who is soaking in a tub of what must be, by now, mostly your own urine!
Dan Dorian: I believe the ratio has shifted, yes…
Dr. Perry Cox: And I have to believe that together, *together*, Dan, we can make it at least half way to one legitimite adult!
Dan Dorian: You’re right, Coxy!
[Dan stands up. Dr. Cox frowns at his crotch]
Dan Dorian: JD needs us, and he needs us now!
Dr. Perry Cox: Towel!
Dan Dorian: Let’s do this!
[Dan wraps himself in the towel, and takes one step out of the bathtub before falling flat on his face]
Dan Dorian: I may have lost some muscle mass in my legs…
Dr. Perry Cox: Fantastic.
“Scrubs: My Old Friend’s New Friend (#4.1)” (2004)
J.D.: Come on, man, it’s our last week together! The J.D. and Cox train is pulling into the station. You must have a metaphor you want to use; hit me with it!
Dr. Cox: I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week together. Lemme see, uhh… Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, ‘The O.C.’, the U.N., recycling, getting Punk’d, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much! The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host! Everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything – eve – everything that exists – past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh! And Hugh Jackman.
Carla: Dr Cox, can i borrow you for a minute?
Dr. Cox: Borrow me? Dearheart you are rescuing me. Newbie you’re on your own- get used to it
Dr. Cox: I sure hope you’re comfortable in that bed, because you’re gonna be in one just like it for the rest of your natural born life.
J.D.: What the hell was that?
Dr. Cox: That was me talking to a patient who has thrown in the towel. You can’t save everyone, Newbie, so I suggest you start working with people who want your help. That’s what I will be doing.
J.D.: I just want you to know I’m not ready to give up on Mr. Radford.
Dr. Cox: Do you want me to give you my “things I don’t care about” speech again? Because, you know, I’ve updated it to include all white guys who add -izzle to anything.
J.D.: I agrizzle, my nizzle.
Dr. Cox: Go on home and get in bed, will ya. I’m betting your friend Mr. Radford’s already in his. I’ll see ya.
Dr. Cox: [when Turk and JD huged each other after Turk just came back from his Honeymoon] Oh wo, wo. What do we have here? The newlyweds… oh and hey Carla. Mark my words he first year of marriage is just a real treat!
Dr. Cox: Sweetheart, do you remember ours?
Jordan: The silly fighting for control!
Dr. Cox: You broke my jaw!
Jordan: You gotta stop that back-talk early. Come on, glass jaw.
Dr. Cox: Good God, Fantasia. You – you don’t actually think I’m done teaching you, do you? D’you not understand the only difference between today and tomorrow is that you wake up tomorrow and start coming in here and killing people, that no one can say, “It’s no big deal, he’s just a resident.” Instead, what they’re damn sure gonna be wondering is who tried to educate your sorry ass. And when that finger of blame starts pointing in my direction, I had damn sure better be in a coma from the anger stroke I suffered from the last time you tried to hug me. Oh, and, uh, don’t be late tomorrow… Doctor.
“Scrubs: My Unicorn (#4.11)” (2004)
Dr. John ‘J.D.’ Dorian: Anyway, know Mr. Marks? He said he doesn’t have any family to be a kidney donor? But he’s got a son! We gotta find this guy!
Dr. Perry Cox: Look, Newbie, there are times a man wants to keep something to himself. Say he’s got a son or he’s 29 years old and keeps a journal with a unicorn drawn on the cover.
Dr. John ‘J.D.’ Dorian: That’s a horse with a sword on his head and he’s there to guard my hopes and dreams.
Dr. Perry Cox: By the by, this moment is so great that I’d cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one, and raise a family of tiny little moments.
Dr. Perry Cox: I love this moment so much that I want to have sex with it.
Dr. Perry Cox: Boy, let me tell you about it. You know, I got this kid who constantly ignores my advice and then flashes me the sad doe eyes every time I call him a girl’s name or scream in his face.
Gregory Marks: Do you wanna sing about him?
Dr. Perry Cox: No, not ever.
Dr. John ‘J.D.’ Dorian: You will never guess what I found on the computer?
Dr. Perry Cox: Is it a set of adult male shoulders?
Dr. John ‘J.D.’ Dorian: They had to trim them to get me out of the well.
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, right.
Dr. Perry Cox: Who gave you this number?
Dr. John ‘J.D.’ Dorian: I’m asking for your help here.
Dr. Perry Cox: Okay, but I think it’s very important to focus on the “who gave you this number” issue.
Dr. John ‘J.D.’ Dorian: Fine. Maybe I got too involved like you said, but would it kill you for once to acknowledge for that my heart was in the right place instead of spending all your time berating me.
Dr. Perry Cox: You got this number from Jordan, didn’t you? She hates me.
“Scrubs: My Quarantine (#4.16)” (2005)
[the hospital is under quarantine]
Dr. Perry Cox: Let’s bear in mind that we are shorthanded: There are only four doctors here.
Dr. Christopher Turk: I counted more than that.
Dr. Perry Cox: I’m talking legitimate doctors, turtle-head. Here pee-pants is a pathologist, so he doesn’t count. Johnson is a dermatologist, which is Greek for “fake doctor,” and please don’t even get me started on you four surgeons.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: There’s only two of us.
Dr. Perry Cox: You are so very useless, I counted you both twice.
Danni Sullivan: SARS sucks!
Dr. Perry Cox: Okay; you can direct any technical questions to my former sister-in-law.
Kylie: So, uh, what’s wrong with this guy?
J.D.: [reading the chart] Well, let’s see. Fatigue, fever, malaise… Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
J.D.: [thought] And then I said something stupid…
J.D.: Could be SARS.
J.D.: [thought] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it’s cause for immediate quarantine lock-down.
Dr. Perry Cox: What have you done, Newbie?
Danni Sullivan: [offering a flask] Quaran-tinies, anyone?
Dr. Perry Cox: So, Nurse Gandhi-rella, I need you to suction this guy, do a wet-to-dry dressing change, and, oh, what the hell, go ahead and top him off with one of your special, special sponge baths. Happy ending optional – his choice, not yours.
Dr. Christopher Turk: This guy’s in a coma.
Dr. Perry Cox: Not all of him.
Carla: The worst first date that I ever had was with this guy who took me to this dump of a pizza parlor, right –
Dr. Christopher Turk: You know what? Really don’t want to hear about this one, okay?
[Turk turns and nears Dr. Cox, who’s talking to a separate group of people]
Dr. Perry Cox: …and she didn’t like the pizza I ordered because it had anchovies on it. Can you believe that?
[Turk hurriedly turns back to Carla’s story]
Carla: …it had *anchovies.*
[back to Cox]
Dr. Perry Cox: …and pineapples.
[back to Carla]
Carla: …and pineapples.
[back to Cox]
Dr. Perry Cox: …and red peppers.
[back to Carla]
Carla: …and green peppers.
Carla: Wait – red peppers.
Dr. Christopher Turk: No!
“Scrubs: My Way Home (#5.7)” (2006)
Dr. Cox: Your endocrinology fellowship lasted all of five days. Granted, to you five days may seem like an eternity as it’s roughly five times as long as any of your pasty relationships have lasted. But trust me, that hardly makes you an expert.
Elliot: Oh really? Because you never went to assface school, but you seem to be an expert at that. Am I right?
J.D.: [didn’t hear conversation, but high-fives Elliot] Here’s some!
Dr. Cox: You’re going to high five THAT? Bi-hig mistake.
J.D.: I didn’t know what I was high-fiving. I gotta stop doing that.
Elliot: Did you eat my mango body butter?
J.D.: I smeared it on a bagel.
J.D.: [to Keith] Why would you page me?
Dr. Cox: Because I told him to, and I know what you’re thinking Dorothy, why would I have your intern call you in on one of your very precious days off for something so gosh darn trivial. But the real question ought to be: why when YOU were an intern did you call me in time, after time, after time, after time.
Dr. Cox: So if I understand correctly, you left my only child with a creepy borderline psychotic who hates everyone?
Carla: How is that different from leaving him with you?
Dr. Cox: Trust me Carla, when you do have your own kid, you’re gonna find you had the courage to be a parent all along.
Carla: Thank you.
Carla: Dr. Cox, why aren’t you freaking out? Look at him, your kid’s all green and slimy!
Dr. Cox: I suppose it’s because, when Jordan was pregnant, I mentally prepared myself for her giving birth to something green and… slimy.
“Scrubs: My Office (#4.2)” (2004)
[after Dr. Cox announced that J.D. and Elliot are both gonna be chief resident]
J.D.: Uh… What now?
Dr. Cox: Well, I figure with her being ridiculously booksmart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills and you being warm and cuddly as an unpotty-trained labradoodle and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an unpotty-trained labradoodle, together the two of you would make one barely passable doctor… slash labradoodle…
Dr. Cox: I don’t know what to tell you, there, Bobbo. Either this kid has a light bulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea.
J.D.: Hey, when Elliot asked you if she could run for chief resident and you said “why not,” that was just a goof, right?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr. Cox. Ran all those tests on Mr. Landisman.
Dr. Cox: Top-notch work, there, Barbie! She’s good! She’s very, very, very good! Now, sorry, where were we?
J.D.: I am a medical professional, and you are not gonna get me to compete with Elliot.
Dr. Cox: Well, Jo-Jo, right now she’s winning.
J.D.: Let me know how to get back on top. I’ll do anything, even if it means I have to kill somebody!
Dr. Cox: Well, you could start by getting the lightbulb out of this genius’s pooper. Impress me.
J.D.: Oh, I’ll impress you!
Dr. Molly Clock: Perry! You know, I have a cousin named Perry. But actually, no, he’s not my cousin; and, you know, his name isn’t Perry, it’s… Jeff.
Dr. Cox: That’s so funny. I have an uncle named Stop Bothering Me.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Why don’t we just reach up there and tug that bad boy out?
Dr. Cox: It’s not a rabbit in a hat. If you tug on it, it’s going to break; and if it breaks, he’s going to need surgery; and if you perform it, then, of course, he’s going to need a casket. Sooo, why don’t you just play quietly in your area until the crowd arrives.
“Scrubs: My Female Trouble (#4.10)” (2004)
Dr. Perry Cox: I should’ve known, Barbie. Hell, you have been impersonating a doctor since the first day you got here.
Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie, the guy’s a sexist pig. He’s gonna eat you alive.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, I’m not the same doctor I was four years ago. I’m smarter, I’m more confident…
Dr. Perry Cox: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just skip the rest of your “I’ll show you speech” and just walk away in a huff. I’m very busy. Thank you!
Dr. Perry Cox: Life is pointless, Gandhi and I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. The only thing more pointless than life itself is being a doctor. I mean, bottom line, you spend eight years and 200G’s trying to get through med school and what do you have to show for it? I’ll tell ya. A diploma on your wall and a bullseye on your back.
Carla: And you reminded him that people are basically good.
Dr. Perry Cox: People suck. They suck. And make no mistake about it, even sweet little old ladies are looking to bend you over a chair in court. Come on.
Dr. Perry Cox: We covered people.
Carla: And I know you wouldn’t never do anything to ruin his innocence.
Dr. Perry Cox: You see, there’s a compartment in the hat. So the stinkin’ rabbit is actually in there the whole time, right?
Carla: Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to drop this lawsuit because it’s wrong and you know it. But also because if you don’t, I’m going to pound the plaid right off of that shirt and make it so that the only way you’ll be able to eat pie is through a straw!
Dr. John ‘J.D.’ Dorian: Jordan’s making me stretch out her new jeans.
Dr. Perry Cox: Cry me a river. Guess what Gandhi’s wife is making me do because if supposedly “broke his spirit”.
Harvey Corman: Ever since the operation, I’ve been serving lefty so it could be a little unpredictable.
“Scrubs: My Overkill (#2.1)” (2002)
Troubador: I have other songs, you know
Dr. Perry Cox: Yeah, you do.
Dr. Perry Cox: You know, Bob, I’ve been thinking about all the times that you’ve manipulated me and toyed with me, and, well, I can’t help but recall that children’s fable about the race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates. You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him; but right at the end – gosh, I’m sure you remember what happened, Bob – the tortoise bit clean-through the chief of medicine’s calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive, right there on the racetrack. It’s a… disturbing children’s book, Bob, I know, but it’s one that stuck with me, nonetheless.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Buzzy, buzz, buzz…
Dr. Perry Cox: I… beg your pardon?
Dr. Bob Kelso: Oh, uh, that’s the sound of all the bees in your bonnet. And, Perry, even though I could give a rat’s ass, I still think it’s a pretty sound!
Dr. John “J.D.” Dorian: Okay, fine: I’m sorry I slept with your ex-wife!
Nurse Laverne Roberts: I think I’ll sit back down.
Dr. John “J.D.” Dorian: It was an accident.
Dr. Perry Cox: Look… First of all, it’s not like you tripped and fell into her… and then out of her… and then into her… again. And, second of all, you’re smart enough to know that I don’t want to talk about this; I don’t want to know where you did it; I don’t even want to know… how it was.
Dr. John “J.D.” Dorian: A little scary – – Sorry! Jitters!
Dr. John “J.D.” Dorian: [to himself] And here come the fireworks…
Dr. Perry Cox: I know you didn’t have any idea who she was, and I understand why you were too nervous to tell me. So, whatta ya say we leave it at that? I forgive you; you are forgiven. Okay?
Dr. John “J.D.” Dorian: [to himself] Cool.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Damn.
Dr. Perry Cox: [holding J.D.’s pager] Do you know how I know that this is yours, Farrah? ‘Cause when I paged you earlier, someone found it next to a can of Fresca and a dog-eared copy of Teen People magazine. Anyway – long story, short: The whole incident gave me a bang-up idea; because, you see, I’ve got tomorrow off. So I’m gonna be on my couch, sipping on some scotch and paging you every twenty seconds. And if you don’t answer every damn last one of ’em, I’m gonna shove this thing so far down your throat it’s gonna make you take a tinkle every time it goes off.
Dr. John “J.D.” Dorian: First off, I want to thank you all for agreeing to talk.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Bambi, you paged us here.
Dr. John “J.D.” Dorian: Be that as it may, I think there are some simple solutions. Dr. Cox, you’re angry with me.
Dr. Perry Cox: No, I’m not.
Dr. John “J.D.” Dorian: And you won’t admit this, but you’re in love with Carla.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, he’s not.
Dr. Perry Cox: Actually, I am.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You’re starting again!
Dr. John “J.D.” Dorian: Carla, you’re mad Turk didn’t trust you enough to tell you.
Dr. Christopher Turk: See, trust, woman, trust!
Dr. John “J.D.” Dorian: Whatever, the point is that Turk is sorry.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Not anymore.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: I can’t believe you thought he was a threat!
Dr. Perry Cox: I’m a threat.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You’re not in love with me, you idolioze me.
Dr. John “J.D.” Dorian: If we could just try to stay focused…
Dr. Christopher Turk: You’re mad because I’m scared of losing you?
Nurse Carla Espinosa: Yes, because we’re stronger than that!
Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] Apparently not!
Dr. Christopher Turk: You should be glad I never took our relationship for granted, you silly woman!
Dr. John “J.D.” Dorian: If we could just refrain from name-calling…
Dr. Perry Cox: Oprah’s right!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Lay off of him!
Nurse Carla Espinosa: You’re just pissed because you’re still in love with your ex!
Dr. Perry Cox: [slams his fist down on the table] Okay, that’s it! Now, I have killed for so much less than that, and I’ll damn sure do it again unless you all shut the hell up right now, and I MEAN NOW!
[they all disperse]
“Scrubs: Her Story (#4.5)” (2004)
Dr. Cox: How, uh, how old is this patient?
Dr. Cox: And… how old would you say he was when you started this procedure?
Elliot: [thinking] The more I thought about how awesome Molly is, the more I got sick of Dr. Cox’s crap.
Dr. Cox: Oh my God, I could fly to China, adopt a child, raise her, send her to medical school, and then train her to do this procedure in the time it’s taking you to finish.
Elliot: [thinking] Enough! He’s never been there for you! Burn this bridge once and for all!
Dr. Cox: Barbie, honest to God, if you…
Elliot: You know what, Dr. Cox? I have so had it with this whole macho alpha-male thing, and I have heard every tired, recycled put-down you have in you. So, from now on, save your stupid lessons for someone who gives a frick, because honestly, I don’t even wanna see you or the stupid poodle perm of yours unless it’s walking away from me.
Dr. Cox: Oh, whoa, now. What happened to – what happened to feisty Barbie, huh? You know, it took me a helluva lot to shake off that tongue-lashing you gave me yesterday.
Elliot: Yeah, well, yesterday I had a mentor, but she turned out to be insane. I mean, how am I supposed to take professional advice from somebody who can’t even hold together their personal life?
Dr. Cox: Look, I know you and I have never really connected – maybe that’s because you’re relentlessly annoying, or maybe it’s my fault because I can’t tolerate relentlessly annoying people – I don’t know. But answer me one question: Do you think I’m a good teacher?
Elliot: To some people.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Why don’t we go ahead and take a look at my personal life? I am in love with a woman that I hate, my two-year-old son calls me “Pewwy,” and – this is something that I’ve never actually shared with anybody before, but – on Saturday nights, I like to throw on a nice dress, go out to dive bars, and insist that everybody call me Mrs. Haberdasher!
Elliot: [laughs, then thinks] No, you don’t.
Dr. Cox: Well, even if I did, it wouldn’t really matter since that has nothing to do with how good of a teacher I am. Stick with me here, Barbie. The point is that if you finally found somebody who makes you believe in yourself as much as you did yesterday, well, I would think twice before I wrote that person off.
J.D.: Okay, everybody, gather around please?
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I need to talk to you?
J.D.: I’m a little busy right now, Perry!
Dr. Cox: Oh. My fault, I’ll come back later.
J.D.: Oh, and another thing, From now on, I’d prefer it if you’d address me as “Dr. Dorian.”
Dr. Cox: [sotto] Are you really doing this?
J.D.: [sotto] You bet your ass I am. And from now on, if you have a problem with me, you come see me in private, not in front of my boys! My boys got enough to worry about!
Dr. Cox: [sotto] Wrap it up, there, bingo.
J.D.: I simply will not tolerate it, Perry! And neither will my boys!
Dr. Cox: [sotto] The next minute you find yourself alone, I’m gonna kill ya.
J.D.: [sotto] It was worth it.
Dr. Cox: Tell you what, there, Gidget, if you promise to leave right now, I won’t yell at you in front of your peons anymore.
J.D.: You ruined my credibility! Now look me in the eyes and tell me that’s not messed up!
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Later on today when you are with your residents, I’ll come up for something, you’ll tell me you’re too busy in a manly way, and I will contritely turn around and walk out of the room with my tail between my legs. Problem solved.
J.D.: Can you pull off contrite?
Dr. Cox: Can you pull off manly way?
J.D.: Should have seen that coming.
Dr. Cox: Gloria, you’re supposed to start at 7 o’clock and it’s now 7. 03.
J.D.: I’m sorry I was late but I was singing and I fell. And I know I’ve used the falling excuse before but it’s happened again
“Scrubs: My Jiggly Ball (#5.4)” (2006)
Dr. Bob Kelso: This Friday, I am receiving an award from the A.M.A…
Dr. Perry Cox: Jerk-Off of the Year. No, Bastard of the Year! Uh, don’t you tell me! Guy I Despise So Much, I’d Pay Someone To Kill Ya and Stuff Ya and Leave you by my Bed, So That When I Wake Up in the Morning, I Could Roll Over and Punch You in the Face… of the Year.
Dr. Perry Cox: Look, if you get up there and start kissing Kelso’s ass, all your fellow attendings will forever think of you as a brown-nosing toady. On the other hand, if you don’t pucker up, Kelso will make your life a living hell. You’re officially trapped.
J.D.: I’ll just say something nice about him that’s actually true.
Dr. Perry Cox: You go do that. And I’ll go find God, quit drinking, get in touch with myself emotionally, and we’ll meet right back here at half past impossible. Mm’kay?
Dr. Perry Cox: Mr. Morrison, I understand that one of our interns spent an hour in here telling you over and over that you are going to die. I would make him apologize personally, but I’m having him spend the rest of the day checking that countertop’s heartbeat.
Keith: [Standing and waving] Sorry, Mr. Morrison!
Dr. Perry Cox: KEITH! I think Mr. Countertop would really appreciate your undivided attention.
J.D.: Can you believe Elliot’s working in a free clinic?
Dr. Perry Cox: Who?
J.D.: Dr. Reid?
Dr. Perry Cox: I’m sorry, that’s just not ringing a bell.
Nurse Carla Espinosa: She and J.D. used to sleep together.
Dr. Perry Cox: J.D.?
J.D.: That’s not even funny!
Dr. Perry Cox: Priscilla, I honestly, on my mother’s grave, thought your real name was Carol.
J.D.: Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Bob Kelso is a…
Dr. Bob Kelso: [Rises and takes the mic] Thank you, Dr. Dorian!
[the audience claps]
Dr. Bob Kelso: Thank you so much for this award. Delighted to see you all…
Dr. Perry Cox: Did I say he wanted a long introduction? Because Kelso just, he just likes when people say his name. Hope you didn’t obsess too much about that, Newbie.
“Scrubs: My Malpractical Decision (#4.9)” (2004)
Dr. Perry Cox: Oh my God! I’m gagging and vomiting at the same time. I’m gavomiting!
Dr. Perry Cox: Can I ask you a personal question? Just how long has it been since you swept the stuffed animals off your bed, thrown your ankles up in the air, and thanked whatever god you pray to that you didn’t have on your granny panties?
Dr. Perry Cox: Okay, missy. Knowing damn well that you’ll sue if the slightest thing should go wrong with this elective procedure, we’re gonna go ahead and elect not to do it.
Neena Broderick: You can’t do that.
Dr. Perry Cox: Really? Bob?
Dr. Bob Kelso: Hospitals can refuse treatment on a non-emergency patient. Here’s a list of places we can refer you to. Thanks for playing.
Neena Broderick: Thank you. And I hope I didn’t ruffle your feathers too much while I was here.
Dr. Perry Cox: Sweetheart, I find it amusing that you think you’re so much as a blip on my radar. Better go ahead and jot this down in your little lawyer notebook: Nothing you could do could ever, hee-hever get to me.
Dr. John ‘J.D.’ Dorian: Listen, I know you hate everything about Miss Broderick, but her father is in need of medical care, and it’s our medical obligation to treat him whether his daughter is a murderer, a drug addict, or a terrorist.
Dr. Perry Cox: I know, but a lawyer?
Dr. John ‘J.D.’ Dorian: Even a lawyer.
“Scrubs: My Day at the Races (#5.3)” (2006)
Turk: My appendectomy patient wants me to use hypnosis instead of anesthesia.
Dr. Cox: Look, and I’d like to throw in Gwen Stefani tonight instead of Jordan, but that ain’t gonna happen either.
Carla: Dr Cox!
Turk: Dr Cox! No! Awful!
Dr. Cox: Jordan, here’s the plan: I’m gonna go ahead and and cram an entire evening’s worth of drinking into the next five minutes. Now, you just make sure not to engage them. Be particularly aware of the blonde talky one – I’ve worked with her before – she has no off button.
Carla: [to Elliot] If money is so tight, why not have Jake move in with you?
Jordan: Who’s Jake?
Dr. Cox: Jordan!… No!
Elliot: He’s this guy that I’ve been going out with for a while, but we’re not ready to move in. He’s a little closed-off, you know?
Jordan: [Pointing at Cox behind her hand] Uh, sweetie, are you aware of who I live with?
Dr. Cox: Jordan Godzilla Sullivan! You stop that, and you stop it now!
Jordan: Why don’t you try talking to humans for once? You might enjoy it!
Carla: Elliot, maybe you should be the one to open Jake up? You know like Turk can be a little… immature – you know, like I always have to talk about my feelings over dinner or shut off his iPod during sex. I bet you could do the same thing with Jake.
Dr. Cox: Or… maybe you could pressure him, get dumped, throw on fifty pounds, start collecting knick-knacks and meet your future now. You know… before the loneliness burns too much?
[Hopping in his seat]
Dr. Cox: Wooooo-ohhhhh!
Dr. Cox: Gosh, I did enjoy that!
Turk: Why are all these cameras here?
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, this is quite the event here at Sacred Fart.
Dr. Kelso: I can’t help it, it kills me! Yeah, we got visiting doctors, video crews, even that Japanese newsanchor who slept with me when I convinced her I was an oil tycoon.
[Turk looks over at the young Asian woman]
Dr. Kelso: If she comes over here, my name is T-Bone!
Dr. Cox: We’re also getting a good bit of interest from the seismologists at CalTech, who I understand will be able to chart the magnitude of the scream emanating from your hypnosis patient, as well as, of course, the numerous afterscreams that are sure to follow.
Turk: No interviews!
Turk: What the hell was I thinking?
Carla: No, you did great, baby.
Dr. Kelso: She’s right, Turkleton. Hell, without anesthesia, you made it halfway through a surgery. I bet you could publish that.
Dr. Cox: Maybe they’ll put it in Almost Magazine.
Dr. Kelso: You know, Perry, it wouldn’t hurt you to make some noise around here.
Dr. Cox: How’s this? Blow it out your ass, Bob.
“Scrubs: My Missed Perception (#5.6)” (2006)
Dr. Perry Cox: I’m gonna let Big Bob here give the first excuse.
Dr. Kelso: Blah, blah, blah, I’m not doing it.
Dr. Perry Cox: Hand over your stethoscope.
Dr. Perry Cox: In victory, I get your stethoscope. It’s a trophy. You’re lucky we’re not back in olden times, I would have made a necklace out of your teeth.
J.D.: I find this highly unproffesional.
[J.D. gives Dr Cox his stethoscope]
Dr. Perry Cox: Now I’m going to check on Mr Jenkins, your war hero. I feel he too deserves a competent doctor. In fact, I’m gonna take all of your patients. And consequently your only reason to get out of that lasie over pillowed 4 poster virgin cocoon you call a bed every morning.
Mr. Bursick: Which people do I hate again?
J.D.: Immigrants, Mister Bursick. You hate all immigrants.
Mr. Bursick: And why do I hate…
J.D.: I don’t have time, Mister Bursick. Guys, if I give you a patient I expect you to work your butt off for him. And P.S., Mr Jenkins is a Vietnam Vet, so let’s take care of him like he took care of our nation. Get out of here! That’s how you light a fire under their butt Perry, you let them go with some inspiration…
Dr. Perry Cox: Too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, to much talking, too much talking. Why did you order a BNP test on my patient Mrs Wilk last night?
J.D.: Because she’s my patient.
Dr. Perry Cox: Interesting, since i admitted her.
J.D.: And I treated her last night.
Mr. Bursick: Dr Dorian, why do I hate all immigrants?
J.D.: Because they’re stealing all of our jobs, Mr Bursick… stealing aaall of our jobs. Perry, we spend an equal lot of time of Mrs Wilk. Now seing that we’re both attendings, why don’t we let her decide who her doctor is?
Dr. Perry Cox: Ooor we could skip the day trip to unessesary land and instead simply conceed that Mrs Wilk is my patient. And while we are both attendings, we are in no way equals – we are in fact not equal. We are UN-equals.
J.D.: This morning you told me you had a great life.
Mrs. Wilk: Exactly, and I’d like to continue it.
J.D.: Oh, this is a misunderstanding. I’m so sorry.
J.D.: Tell her it’s a misunderstanding.
Dr. Perry Cox: He’s tried to kill before.
“Scrubs: Her Story II (#5.10)” (2006)
Julie Quinn: Did you know, J.D’s parents thought he was gonna be a girl. They didn’t have a name ready when he was born, so until he was 3 years old they called him Joana
Dr. Cox: I don’t know who you are, but thank you for this
Dr. Cox: Heeello! What we have here is a visual representation of how alcohol affects people of different ages. We have the young:
Julie Quinn: Morning
Dr. Cox: The slightly older:
Elliot: Please stop talking!
Dr. Cox: The slightly older still again:
Dr. Cox: And at last the very, very, very, very old; she is the unconscious and virtually unwakable. Witness…
Dr. Cox: Joana, now i’m not much for this sensitive crap but darn now you finally found someone who is willing to let you annoy them instead of me.
Dr. Cox: …there is not such thing as a perfect person…
“Scrubs: My Big Bird (#5.8)” (2006)
Dr. Cox: And the category is… DING! “Things that have a better chance of happening than YOU winning the lottery.” Tedscape, throw ten seconds on the clock, would you please? And GO! Brain transplants, Britney Spears having another hit record, the Rolling Stones going on a farewell tour and actually meaning it, me caring about just ANYTHING that happens on Wysteria Lane, Jessica Simpson winning an Oscar, Jessica Alba winning an Oscar, Jessica Simpson becoming Jessica Alba Simpson…
Dr. Bob Kelso: Who the hell ate my scone?
Dr. Cox: That would be me, Bobbo, and it was delicious – my compliments to the lady.
Dr. Bob Kelso: I made those!
Dr. Cox: I know!
Dr. Bob Kelso: I’ve heard enough. Let’s call it and go to lunch.
Dr. Cox: Just hold on! That is NOT the way it works, Bobbo. This is important, dammit. You sit back down and get on with it.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Perry, I’m in charge.
Dr. Cox: Wait, wait, let me get on in this! Let’s also have a toast to Mr Forster’s widow and his fatherless kids.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Cox, it wasn’t our fault.
Dr. Cox: Because you are lucky! You know as well as I do, it could have been any one of your faults. Congrats again! Have a well party!
“Scrubs: His Story III (#5.19)” (2006)
Dr. Cox: You’re black? ‘Cause last I checked you had a nerdy white best friend, you enjoy Neil Diamond, and you damn sure act like a black guy and these are all characteristics of white guys. Please understand, I’m a huge supporter of the NAACP. If you’re don’t know what that stands for, it’s the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. And quite frankly, I always thought they should change the ‘colored people’ to ‘African Americans’ but then of course it wouldn’t be the NAACP it’d be the N quad A or NAAAA. And I know this probably sounds like a digression but actually brings me back to my original point… Do I think you’re black? Naaaaaaaaa!
[JD is making a video project to send to his mother]
J.D.: Dr. Cox, do you have anything you’d like to say to my mom?
Dr. Cox: No, but I have something I’d like to say to her uterus, because it brought you into this world.
[Smacks camera and shakes finger]
Dr. Cox: Bad uterus! Don’t do that anymore!
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Dr. Turk is not aware that Lonnie was all-conference at Villanova.
Dr. Cox: Laverne, would you go ahead and thank what’s-his-name for me.
Nurse Laverne Roberts: Jesus?
Dr. Cox: That’s him.
Dr. Cox: [Dr. Cox and JD examine a patient with locked-in syndrome, who communicates via computer] Go ahead and check Mr. McNair’s blood pressure, please, Eva.
Mr. McNair: I don’t get it – Why does he call you a girl’s name?
J.D.: Thank you for asking, Mr. McNair. You see, the thing about Dr. Cox is that, the closer he feels to a person, the more he needs to push them away. So when he calls me Eva, he’s actually saying, “JD, I care about you!” Vulnerable people like Dr. Cox…
Mr. McNair: Oh my god! I get it now, Carol. Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol…
J.D.: Now you’re being a jerk! Jerk! Jerk!
Dr. Cox: Newbie! I’m relatively certain that the computer is broken.
J.D.: Oh, my bad.
“Scrubs: My Own Worst Enemy (#7.1)” (2007)
Dr. John ‘J.D.’ Dorian: What is wrong with me?
Dr.Perry Cox: You’re an annoying, whiny man-child.
Dr. John ‘J.D.’ Dorian: That question wasn’t directed at you!
Dr.Perry Cox: What question?
Dr.Perry Cox: [seeing Beardfacé in the room] Beardface! What do you say?
Dr. Beardface: [angry] It’s Beardfacé! Why do you people insist on calling me “Beardface”?
Joe Hutnik: [clears his throat] May I?
Dr.Perry Cox: Go for it.
Joe Hutnik: Well, I just got here, but if I had to guess, I would say it’s because your face is, like, five-sixths beard.
Dr. Beardface: Damn you!
Dr.Perry Cox: Mr. Hutnik, I see here you are admitted for swollen lymph nodes and abdominal pain.
Joe Hutnik: I’m also having heart palpitations.
Dr.Perry Cox: Oh, I think I can help you with that one; you see, I am very, very handsome.
Joe Hutnik: I was gonna say.
Dr. Christopher Turk: [Dr. Beardfacé walks into the room] What it do, Beardface?
Dr. Beardface: [crossly] It’s Beardfacé. Beard*facé*!
Dr. Bob Kelso: Calm down, Seymour.
Dr.Perry Cox: If you wanna lose the nickname, you gotta shave the beard. ‘Course, then you’d be Dr. Face.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Hah! Dr. Face.
Dr. Beardface: Damn you all!
Dr. Christopher Turk: I wonder what he’s hiding under all that hair.
“Scrubs: My Brother, Where Art Thou? (#3.5)” (2003)
Dan: [as Dr. Cox leaves at the end of his shift, J.D.’s brother Dan is waiting for him outside the hospital entrance] Hey, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Oh, here I’d been told you left. It made me happy.
Dan: You don’t like me. People don’t like me. You know why? I’m a screw-up. Always have been.
Dan: Ever since we were kids, my mom always made me walk Johnny to school first day every year, and every year, I’d walk him to the wrong school…
Dan: …just ’cause.
Dr. Cox: Boy, that’s a great story, really. And I’m sure you’re just a horrible big brother…
Dan: [smiles in mock humility] Well…
Dr. Cox: …but I’m afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it’s okay, you don’t need to be embarrassed. Turns out it happens all the time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his deathbed.
Dan: Hey, listen, Dr. Cox, no offense, I’m a big fan of the tough guy act, but let me tell you what I really think. I think you LOVE the fact that these kids idolize you. Johnny does! Johnny was always the one in the family we KNEW was going someplace. Sweet kid. Smart kid. Becoming a doctor? This is ALL he ever wanted, and yet, somehow, you’ve found a way to beat that out of him, haven’t you? Turn him into some kind of cynical guy who seems to despise what he does. Dr. Cox, Johnny is never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So I’m askin’ – I’m tellin’ you: take that responsibility seriously, stop being such a hard-ass. Otherwise, you’re gonna have to answer to me.
Dr. John ‘J.D.’ Dorian: [narrating] Love can give you strength you never knew you had.
Dan: [holds out his hand to Cox] It’s good seeing you, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: [takes Dan’s hand and shakes it] Good to see you, Dan. All the best.
Dan: Yeah but these are living, breathing people here…
Dr. Cox: I’m sorry, what is it you do again?
Dan: I’m a bartender.
Dr. Cox: Well, Dan, I’m gonna go ahead and worry about how we do things around here. But if I ever need to make a top notch rum and coke, well, by golly, mister, you better be right by the phone cause I might just give you a jingle.
[Dr. Cox begins to walk away]
Dr. Cox: [makes a ringing noise] Dan, Cox-a-roony, regarding the rum and coke issue… could not be more confused…
Dr. Cox: Newbie! Did I just walk in on you mocking an innocent patient?
Dr. John ‘J.D.’ Dorian: [ashamed] Yes…
Dr. Cox: I’ve never felt closer to you.
Dr. John ‘J.D.’ Dorian: Doctor Cox, Dan was wondering if he could trail with us today.
Dr. Cox: Good God in heaven, Newbie. There are just so very many ways for me to say this to you: Never. Not in a million years. Absolutely not. No way, Jose. No chance, Lance. Nyet. Negatori. Mm-mm. Nuh-uh. Uh-uh. And of course, my own personal favorite of all time, man falling off of a cliff. Noooooooooo!
“Scrubs: My Intern’s Eyes (#5.1)” (2006)
Dr. Cox: Bob, I’m not planning on doing any paperwork. But i did go ahead and leave my urine sample on your drive side car door.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, your lips, my ass… they should meet.
J.D.: I don’t need your approval or your stupid man cards. But the lettering is darling, have you ever done calligraphy?
Dr. Cox: [takes a man card for JD] Thank you!
Dr. Kelso: Who the hell is responsible for not treating that man?
Dr. Cox: Well Bobbo, I was going to treat him but I lost my stethoscope …
J.D.: He’s my patient Bob!
[Kelso and Cox turn around]
J.D.: I’m responsible!
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, I’ve kept my mouth shut about the recent sexual harrassment complaints because I don’t think it’s fair to punish a man for making small talk. Or say, asking his secretary for just once, to dress up as a geisha girl and call him “Kelso San”…
Dr. Kelso: Nothing! But now I need to know, is this the type of attending you’re going to be?
J.D.: I guess so.
Dr. Kelso: Well at least there’s one attending around I can count on.
Elliot: Oh the hell with it, Bob- I don’t work here! Have a good one!
Dr. Kelso: I hate this place.
Dr. Cox: It hates you, Bob!
“Scrubs: My Boss’s Free Haircut (#4.20)” (2005)
Dr. Kelso: Every mother wanted me to marry their daughter cause I was a doctor. And I used that to sleep with all those mothers. That’s what “house call” used to mean.
Dr. Cox: Those were the good old, incredibly disturbing, days, Bob.
Dr. Cox: I will tell you one thing, though. If you even want to have an outside chance of reaching someone nowadays… you damn sure better speak from your heart.
Dr. Kelso: Thank you, Perry.
Dr. Cox: Blow it out your ass, Bob.
Dr. Cox: You my friend look do damn leathery I am actually considering synching you up, wrap you around a baseball and stick you under the mattress so that you’re good and broken in for the big game on Sunday, BUT, since I’m here to heal not judge, I’m gonna write you a couple of prescriptions. You’ll find this first one is for an oversized mallet so you can pound some sense into yourself. This next one is for a big floppy hat that your now obligated to where every time you leave the house. Have a nice day, you look like a purse.
Dr. Kelso: I’m tired of patients complaining about being called dummos, tubbos, smokers and jamokers. Whatever the hell jamokers means.
Dr. Cox: I was actually saying ‘jokers’ and I had coffee cake in my mouth.
“Scrubs: My Screwup (#3.14)” (2004)
Dr. Perry Cox: So how come you’re not all dressed up?
Ben Sullivan: I am dressed up, you see any holes in these pants? I’m glad you made it… listen, there’s one more thing you have to do for me.
Dr. Perry Cox: You can’t keep me from getting drunk!
Ben Sullivan: You have to forgive yourself for everything that went down the other day.
Dr. Perry Cox: God, you’re… you’re so annoying.
Ben Sullivan: Yeah.
Dr. Perry Cox: All right.
Ben Sullivan: Good.
Dr. Perry Cox: Where’s your camera, aren’t you gonna take some pictures?
J.D.: [enters] Pictures of what?
Dr. Perry Cox: You know, crying babies covered in chocolate, people singing Happy Birthday to my son who have never even met him before, the whole routine!
J.D.: Where do you think we are?
[Cox looks round. Ben has disappeared. The camera pans out and reveals they are in a graveyard, at Ben’s funeral]
Dr. Cox: [to Ben] Where’s your camera? Aren’t you gonna to take any pictures?
J.D.: Pictures of what?
Dr. Cox: [Turns to J.D] Ya know, babies crying with cake all over their faces, people singing “Happy Birthday” to my son who they’ve never even met. The usual.
J.D.: Where do you think we are?
[Dr. Cox turns back and sees Ben isn’t there]
J.D.: [Camera pans as they walk to reveal they are at a funeral. On the casket is a picture of Ben]
Jordan Sullivan: It’s Jack’s first birthday. I want it to be special. I got a petting zoo for the kids, and we need to figure out something great for the adults.
Dr. Perry Cox: How ’bout a russian roulette booth, and, here’s the kicker. We put bullets in all the chambers. That way, everybody wins.
“Scrubs: My First Kill (#4.4)” (2004)
Dr. Perry Cox: Each and every one of you is going to kill a patient. At some point during your residency you will screw up, they will die, and it will be burned into your conscience forever. Hell, take pee-pants, here –
Doug Murphy: Pee-pants…
Dr. Perry Cox: – he just might go ahead and get himself a good clean kill this morning, seeing as his patient, Mrs. Samson, is in DKA and he hasn’t been tracking her phosphate level. Her phosphate level. Her phosphate level.
J.D.: Doug! Stop writing and go!
Dr. Perry Cox: That young man has killed so many patients, I’m starting to think he just might be a government operative. The point is, the harder you study, the longer you just might be able to hold off that first kill. Other than that, I guess cross your fingers and hope that the guy you murder is a jackass with no family. Great to see you kids. All the best!
Dr. Perry Cox: Come on. I know you’re scared. A lot of times you feel like a little girl in a big gal’s body. But here’s the dirty little secret: Fear is good. It keeps you from becoming a crappy doctor. Trick is you just can’t let it paralyze you. But don’t you worry about a thing, there, Newbie. You’re a sure thing to get a kill. In fact, should be any day now!
Dr. Perry Cox: No, Newbie, I have not killed. But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule. So, right about now, you gotta be asking yourself, do you think you’re *that* good?
“Scrubs: My Nightingale (#2.2)” (2002)
Dr. Perry Cox: You see, for me sex is a sport. Like racquetball. You play hard for half an hour, work up a sweat, and hope you don’t get hit in the eye.
Dr. Perry Cox: I’ve been thinking about that intro thing, and, I’m afraid that I’m going to have to politely tell you to blow it out your ass.
Dr. Perry Cox: Hey, Bob, as far as the whole intro thing goes, I’ve actually gone ahead and given it a great deal of thought, but I’m afraid I’m gonna very politely have to tell you to blow it out your ass.
“Scrubs: My Best Friend’s Baby’s Baby and My Baby’s Baby (#6.2)” (2006)
Baby Jack: What’s gin?
Dr. Cox: Gin is an alcoholic beverage, which, if your mommy’s strong genes are any indication, you’ll eventually learn to love as it slowly destroys a giant portion of your adult life.
Baby Jack: [seeing the video of Carla in labor] What’s that?
Dr. Cox: That is the vagina of a 35 year old Latina woman.