houseisms-season-one-house-quotesWe all loved him, or loved to hate him. And House MD is one of the most iconic TV shows of the past few years, and Gregory House is definitely one of the most iconic TV characters, played to perfection by Hugh Laurie. He even managed to have several unforgettable quotes we could call House-isms.

And here I am listing them, and also, making several updatabale memes about them. So you can bookmark this page to come back for more images of House-isms memes. I am starting with season one, but will keep on adding until completing season eight. So, make sure to comeback.

(I also added some Cameron-isms, Chase-isms, Foreman-isms, Cuddy-isms, Taub-isms, Wilson-isms, Thirteen-isms since they were all good characters).

Best Quotes and House-isms from Gregory House – Season 1

House: “People choose the paths that grant them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort.”

Foreman: “Isn’t treating patients why we became doctors?”
House: “No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.”

House: “See that, they all assume I’m a patient because of the cane.”
Wilson: “Then why don’t you put on a white coat like the rest of us?”
House: “Then they’ll think I’m a doctor.”

Foreman: “Oh, Cameron, I need you for a couple of hours.”
Cameron: “What’s up?”
Foreman: “When you break into someone’s house, it’s always better to have a white chick with you.”

Cameron: “You hired me to get into my pants?!”
House: “I can’t believe that that would shock you. It’s also not what I said. No, I hired you because you look good; it’s like having a nice piece of art in the lobby.”

Patient: “I just want to die with a little dignity.”
House: “There’s no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we’re 90, sometimes before we’re even born, but it always happens and there’s never any dignity in it. I don’t care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It’s always ugly – always! We can live with dignity – we can’t die with it.”

House: “Gorgeous women do not go to medical school. Unless they’re as damaged as they are beautiful.”

Chase: “It doesn’t necessarily have to be that bad. If we exclude the night terrors it could be something systemic: his liver, kidneys, something outside the brain.”
House: “Yes, feel free to exclude any symptom if it makes your job easier.”

House: “Perseverance does not equal worthiness.”

House: “Another reason I don’t like meeting patients. If they don’t know what you look like, they can’t yell at you.”

House: “Could we get off my screw-ups and focus on theirs? Theirs are bigger.”

House: “When did my signature get so girly?”
Cameron: “I can explain.”
House: “See that “G,” see how it makes a big loop on top? It doesn’t even look like my handwriting. Think I have something? What’s the differential diagnosis for writing Gs like a junior high school girl?”

Chase: “It doesn’t necessarily have to be that bad. If we exclude the night terrors it could be something systemic: his liver, kidneys, something outside the brain.”
House: “Yes, feel free to exclude any symptom if it makes your job easier.”

Cameron: “What about sex?”
House: “Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe you like that.”
Cameron: “I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis.”
House: “Heh, nice cover.”

House: “Thirty percent of all dads out there don’t realize they’re raising someone else’s kid.”
Foreman: “From what I’ve read false paternity is more like ten percent.”
House: “That’s what our moms would like us to believe.”
Cameron: “Who cares? If he got it from his parents they’d both be dead by now, can we get on with the differential diagnosis?”
House: “Fifty bucks says I’m right.”
Foreman: “I’ll take your money.”
House: “Hit a nerve? Don’t worry, Foreman, I’m sure the guy who tucked you in at night was your daddy.”
Foreman: “Make that a hundred dollars.”

Cuddy: “What are you doing back here? A patient?”
House: “No, a hooker. Went to my office instead of my home.”

House: “—the cutest little tennis outfit! My God, I thought I was going to have a heart attack! Oh my! I didn’t see you there – That is so embarrassing…”
Cuddy: “How’s your hooker doing?”

Patients’ Mother: “How can you just sit there?”
House: “If I eat standing up, I spill.”

Foreman: “No neurologist in his right mind would recommend that.”
House: “Show of hands: who thinks I’m not in my right mind? [nobody moves] And who thinks I forget this very basic neurological fact? [nobody moves again] Who thinks there’s a third option?”
[Chase raises his hand]
House: “Very good. What’s the third choice?”
Chase: “No idea. You just asked if I thought there was one.”

House: “No, there is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every twenty feet between love and hate.”

House: “What would you prefer – a doctor who holds your hand while you die or one who ignores you while you get better? I suppose it would particularly suck to have a doctor who ignores you while you die.”

Wilson: “That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.”
House: “Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.”

House: “Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I’m Doctor Gregory House; you can call me “Greg”. I’m one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.”
Cuddy: “Short, sweet, grab a file.”
House: “This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she’s much too busy to deal with you. I am a board … certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will.
That is true, isn’t it? (to Cuddy)
But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you’re particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It’s mine! You can’t have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem … but who knows? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? ”

Wilson: “Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth.”
House: “And triteness kicks us in the nads.”
Wilson: “So true…”

Cameron: “Sex could kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you’re lifting three times your body weight. It’s violent, it’s ugly and it’s messy, and if God hadn’t made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago.”

Cameron: “Men should grow up.”
House: “Yeah, and dogs should stop licking themselves. It’s not going to happen.”

Foreman: “Occam’s razor. The simplest explanation is always the best.”
House: “And you think one is simpler than two?”
Cameron: “I’m pretty sure it is, yeah.”
House: “Baby shows up. Chase tells you that two people exchange fluids to create this being. I tell you that one stork dropped the little tyke off in a diaper. Are you going to go with the two or the one?”
Foreman: “I think your argument is specious.”
House: “I think your tie is ugly.”

House: “Why is one simpler than two? It’s lower, it’s lonelier, but is it simpler? Each one of these conditions is about a thousand to one shot; that means that any two of them happening at the same time is a million to one shot, Chase says the cardiac infection is a ten million to one shot which makes my idea ten times better than yours. [pause. Foreman looks defeated] Get a calculator run the numbers.”
Chase: “We’ll run the tests.”

Tattooed Walk-in Patient: “I should go.”
House: “You think it’s going to come out on its own? [the patient stops] Are we talking bigger than a bread basket? Because, actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem – it’s wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop. Big stuff – you’re going to rip something, which, speaking medically, is when the fun stops.”
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: “How did you–”
House: “You’ve been here half an hour and you haven’t sat down, that tells me its location. You haven’t told me what it is, that tells me it’s humiliating. You have a little birdy carved under your arm, and that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I’m figuring it’s not hemorrhoids. I’ve been a doctor twenty years. You’re not going to surprise me.”
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: “It’s an MP3 player.”
House: “Hmm. Is it… is it because of the size, or the shape… or is it the pounding bass line?”
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: “What are we going to do?”
House: “I’m going to wait.”
Tattooed Walk-in Patient: “For what?!”
[Scene change: House leaving the walk-in clinic]
House: “Okay. It’s 3 o’clock, I’m off. Could you tell Dr. Cuddy there’s a patient in exam room 2 that needs her attention? And the RIAA wants her to check for illegal downloads.”

Cameron: “Brandon’s not ready for surgery.”
House: “OK, let’s leave it a couple of weeks. He should be feeling better by then. Oh wait, which way does time go?”

House: “Sometimes the best gift is the gift of never seeing you again.”

House: “This is our fault. Doctors over-prescribing antibiotics. Got a cold? Take some penicillin. Sniffles? No problem. Have some azithromycin. Is that not working anymore? Oh, got your Levaquin. Antibacterial soaps in every bathroom. We’ll be adding vancomycin to the water supply soon. We bred these superbugs. They’re our babies. And they’re all grown up and they’ve got body piercings and a lot of anger.”

Jill: “My joints have been feeling all loose, and lately I’ve been feeling sick a lot. Maybe I’m over training; I’m doin’ the marathon, like, ten miles a day, but I can’t seem to lose any weight.”
House: “Lift up your arms. You have a parasite.”
Jill: “Like a tapeworm or something?”
House: “Lie back and lift up your sweater. You can put your arms down.”
Jill: “Can you do anything about it?”
House: “Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.”
Jill: “Illegal?”
House: “Don’t worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites…”
Jill: “Playdates?”
House: “It has your eyes.”

House: “Get up. We’re going hunting.”
Foreman: “For what?”
House: “Wabbits.”

Cameron: “A needle in the haystack.”
House: “It’s worse than that. We don’t even know what’s the needle we’re looking for.”

House: “See, this is why I don’t waste money on shrinks, cause you give me all these really great insights for free.”
Cuddy: “Shrink. If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God’s sake.”

Wilson: “I’m still amazed you’re actually in the same room with a patient”
House: “People don’t bug me until they get teeth”

House: “You can have all the faith you want in spirits, and the afterlife, and heaven and hell, but when it comes to this world, don’t be an idiot. Cause you can tell me you put your faith in God to put you through the day, but when it comes time to cross the road, I know you look both ways.”

House: “She has God inside her. It would have been easier to deal with a tumor”

House: “I’ve been a doctor for years why do I have to keep assuring people I know what I’m doing?”

House: “I am both amused and annoyed that you think I should be less stubborn than you are”

Nun: “Sister Augustine believes in things that aren’t real.”
House: “I thought that was a job requirement for you people.”

House: “Ah, my birthday. Normally I’d put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the Earth has circled the Sun one more time; I really didn’t think it was going to make it this year, but darn it if it wasn’t the little planet that could all over again.”

Cuddy: “Good morning, Dr. House.”
House: “Good morning, Dr. Cuddy! Love that outfit. Says, I’m professional, but I’m still a woman. Actually, it sorta yells the second part.”
Cuddy: “Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too.”

Foreman: “Mickey Mantle had a whole bar named after him – he got a transplant.”
House: “Yeah. Well, Lucy can’t switch hit.”

House: “So, when I said “no psych meds”, I’m just curious, which word didn’t you understand?”
Foreman: “The Haldol had nothing to do with the bleed. You know that. I used it purely as a chemical restraint.”
House: “Oh, great, well, that’s good to hear. So she won’t experience any of those pesky little side effects you get when your motives aren’t pure.”

Cuddy: “It takes two department heads to treat shortness of breath? What, do the complications increase exponentially with cup size?”

Wilson: “I’m not gonna date a patient’s daughter.”
House: “Very ethical. Of course, most married men would say they don’t date at all.”

House: “I don’t ask why patients lie. I just assume they all do.”

House: “As long as you’re trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.”
Wilson: “And as long as you’re not trying, you can say whatever you want.”
House: “So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world”

Foreman: “Why are you riding me?”
House: “It’s what I do…has it gotten worse lately?”
Foreman: “Yeah. Seems to me.”
House: “Really. Well, that rules out the race thing. ‘Cause you were just as black last week.”

House: “I’m too handsome to do paperwork.”

House: “I’m sorry, but the fact that the sexual pleasure center of your cerebral cortex has been over-stimulated by spirochetes is a poor basis for a relationship. Learned that one the hard way.”

House: “I am extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting new designer drugs and you come back with tomato sauce.”

Chase: “Matt’s mom won’t make a move until she gets that opinion from the C.D.C.”
Wilson: “Godot would be faster.”

House: “I don’t have time for laundry. I’m saving lives here.”

House: “Like I always say, there’s no “I” in “team”. There is a “me”, though, if you jumble it up.”

Wilson: “So your philosophy is, ‘If they don’t want treatment, they get it shoved down their throat, but if it might cure their paralysis, whoa, better slow down’.”
House: “Yeah. My old philosophy used to be ‘Live and let live’, but I’m taking this needlepoint class and they gave us these really big pillows.”

House: “Life sucks. Your life sucks more than most. It’s not as bad as some, which is depressing all by itself.”

Wilson: “You know how some doctors have the Messiah complex – they need to save the world? You’ve got the Rubik’s complex; you need to solve the puzzle”

House: “Okay, you two grab some scalpels and settle this like doctors.”

Wilson: “I forgot: I need a reason to give a crap.”
House: “You’re giving two craps.”
Wilson: “The metric system always confuses me.”

Wilson: “Did your pager really just go off, or are you ditching the conversation?”
House: “Why can’t both be true?”

Wlson: “You know, in some cultures, it’s considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, the word “friend” can also be translated as “limping twerp”.”

House: “Lesson to be learned: treat everybody as if they have Korsakoff’s, we all lie anyway.”

Student: “I thought you were supposed to be listening to our patient histories.”
House: “Nope. I’m supposed to be teaching you. If I can do that without listening, more power to me.”

Wilson: “You really don’t need to know everything about everybody.”
House: “I don’t need to watch The O.C., but it makes me happy.”

House: ” take risks; sometimes patients die. But not taking risks causes more patients to die, so I guess my biggest problem is I’ve been cursed with the ability to do the math.”

Wilson: “She’s hot, so she’s a hooker? What kind of pathetic logic is that?”
House: “The envious, jealous, I-never-got-any-in-high-school kind of logic, hello! ”

House: “”Hypo-gonadism”. Ain’t that a great word? Thanks – we don’t get to say it enough.”

House: “I said I was an addict. I didn’t say I had a problem.”

House: “Very noble gesture. My favorite kind – dramatic, yet completely empty.”

Lola: “Even if real human contact is something you don’t have or even want or need, you should at least be able to see it in other people.”
House: “Yeah. Right. True love. That’s just how we match organs these days. There’s a couple in France, high school sweethearts – they’re trading brains.”

House: “What, you’re saying I’ve only got one friend?”
Wilson: “Uh, and who…?”
House: “…Kevin, in Bookkeeping.”
Wilson: “Okay, well first of all, his name’s Carl.”
House: “I call him Kevin. It’s a secret “friendship club” name.”

Cuddy: “You know, there are other ways to manage pain.”
House: “Like what, laughter? Meditation? Got a guy who can fix my third chakra?”

House: “I’ve been alienating people since I was three.”

House: “You take a perverse pleasure at turning me down.”
Cuddy: “It’s what I live for. Once in a while, though, try to ruin my day. Ask me something I can say “yes” to.”

House: “If the pills ran my life, I’d agree with you, but it’s my leg busy calendaring what I can’t do.”

House: “Everybody does stupid things, it shouldn’t cost them everything they want in life.”
Cuddy: “No, it shouldn’t, but it usually does. On the other hand … it means someone can actually beat the Yankees.”

House: “Less money is made by biochemists working on a cure for cancer than by their colleagues struggling valiantly to find ways to hide steroid use.”

Cameron: “Do you have to be religious to believe a fetus is a life?”
House: “There seems to be a correlation. ”

House: “You see, kidneys don’t wear watches. Sure, gallbladders do, but it doesn’t matter, ’cause kidneys can’t tell time.”

House: “You mentioned two obscure diseases to Dr. Chase. How’d you know about them?”
Patient: “I read about them on the internet.”
House: “So, what’d you search for? Diseases from Asia that don’t match my son’s symptoms.”

Cameron: “Parents are never as bad as kids think they are.”

House: “As fascinating as our bodies are, they’re also stupid.”

Cuddy: “Just enlarged hylar lymph nodes.”
House: “Tiny unicorns goring his bronchial tubes would be cooler.”

House: “You want to know how two chemicals interact. Do you ask them? No, they’re going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.”

Chase: “How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?”
House: “I’d hate it. That’s why I cleverly have no personal life. ”

House: “As fascinating as our bodies are, they’re also stupid.”

House: “You value our friendship more than your ethical responsibilities.”
Wilson: “Our friendship is an ethical responsibility.”

Wilson: “Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.”
House: “And the reason you want respect…?”
Wilson: “To…get laid.”

Wilson: “She was uncomfortable doing any more tests! I had to convince her to do that one!”
House: “Do you get that often? Women would rather die than get naked with you? ”

House: “Haven”t done the MUGA.”
Wilson: “Then how do you know she needs a heart transplant?”
House: “I got my aura read today. It said someone close to me had a broken heart. ”

House: “She’s the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Three assistants and fifteen VPs checked out who should be treating her. Who da man? I da man. I always suspected.”

House: “That’s what I love about you mob guys: so tolerant of others, so accepting. Only way he was coming out was way, way out. Lose the tattoos, change his name, move to another town; how’s a guy like him going to do that? Witness protection. It’s not just for witnesses any more.”

Volger: “Who’d you kill?”
House: “Nobody, but it’s not even lunch.”

House: “We’re a bit of a specialized hospital. We generally only deal with patients when they’re actually sick.”

Foreman: “You thought he was being poisoned by hemlock? Dr. Euripides tell you to check for that?”

House: “Problem is, if I can’t trust you, I can’t trust your statement that I can trust you. But thanks anyway, you’ve been a big help.”

House: “Physician-patient confidentiality protects me from annoying conversations.”

House: “You ever see an infected pierced scrotum?”
Cuddy: “Um, no, but I know a few people on whom I’d like to see it happen.”

House: “Figures you’d try and come up with a solution where no one gets hurt. The problem is, the world doesn’t work that way just ’cause you want it to.”
Cameron: “Figures you’d stall and refuse to deal with the issue. Problem is, the world doesn’t go away just because you want it to.”

House: “Why would you support someone who screws up?”
Cameron: “Because I’m not insanely insecure. And because I can actually trust in another human being, and I am not an angry, misanthropic son of a bitch.”
House: “I’m sorry, you said you weren’t angry.”

Foreman: “Ten year olds do not have heart attacks. It’s gotta be a mistake.”
House: “Right. The simplest explanation is she’s a forty-year-old lying about her age. Maybe an actress trying to hang on. ”

Wilson: “You are uniquely talented in many areas, but office politics is not one of them.”

House: “He didn’t have any reason to lie.”
Wilson: “Everybody lies …. except politicians? House, I believe you’re a romantic. You didn’t just believe him – you believed in him. You want to come over tonight and watch old movies and cry? ”

House: “You’re a black kid from the ghetto who made it to Yale Law and the United States Senate. That’s a sufficiently mythical story, you don’t need to lie about your tongue.”

Senator: “You’re scared of taking chances.”
House: “I take chances all the time. It’s one of my worst qualities.”

House: “You are the most naive atheist I’ve ever met.”

House: “Some day there will be a black President. Some day there will be a gay President. Maybe there’ll even be a gay, black President. But one combination I do not see happening is gay, black, and dead. You need to stop lying to me.”

House: “Are you … comparing me to God? I mean, that’s great, but just so you know, I’ve never made a tree.”

House: “Sorry, up late. Internet porn.”
Chase: “How come you’re not in your office?”
House: “Because there is a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. My wrist might fall off. ”

Cuddy: “You just don’t want to deal with the epidemic.”
House: “That’s right. I’m subjecting a twelve-year-old to a battery of dangerous and invasive tests to avoid being bored. Okay, maybe I would do that, but I’m not.”

House: “You Jewish?”
Dr. Petra Gilmar: “Yeah.”
House: “Is it true what they say about Jewish foreplay?”
Dr. Petra Gilmar: “Two hours of begging?”
House: “I heard four.”
Dr. Petra Gilmar: “Well, actually I’m only half-Jewish.”

House: “You actually speak four languages, or you just banking on never being interviewed by anyone who does?”

House: “Nonconformity, right. I can’t remember the last time I saw a 20-something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker. You want to be a rebel? Stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does and get a haircut. Like the Asian kids who don’t leave the library for 20 hours stretches, they’re the ones who don’t care what you think. Sayonara.”

House: “The eyes can mislead, the smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth.”

House: “Humiliation comes in all kinds of packages. People finding out that your son’s a perv, that’s pretty high up there. People finding out that you’d rather let your son die than sign a piece of paper, where’s that rank?”

House: “This is a mistake. I don’t know how to have casual conversation. You think you’re talking about one thing, and either you are and it’s incredibly boring, or you’re not because it’s subtext and you need a decoder ring.”

House: “21-year-old male, comes in with grinding of the teeth.”
Wilson: “And House gives him a stroke, totally blows out his pupil.”
Foreman: “You scared a guy into stroking out?”
Wilson: “Does that surprise anyone here?”

House: “On average, drug addicts are stupid.”

Stacy: “God, you’re an idiot!”
House: “I like to think of myself as more of a jerk.”

House: “I asked what you would do. It seems unfair for you to ask me what you would do.”

Stacy: “Did you think I would never get married?”
House: “Not to someone so poorly endowed. This guy’s pancreas is pathetic.”

House: “It’s a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what. The weird thing about telling someone they’re dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they’re willing to die for. What they’re willing to lie for.”

House: “You know why people sit in waiting rooms?”
Stacy: “This is gonna be good.”
House: “People think the closer they’re sitting to the operating room, the more they care. ”
Stacy: “That’s why I’m here. I’m not leaving until everybody sees me.”

House: “If you can fake sincerity, you can fake pretty much anything.”

Wilson: “Be yourself: cold, uncaring, distant”
House: “Please, don’t put me on a pedestal.”

Cameron: “What happened to everybody lies?”
House: “I was lying.”

Cameron: “Any family history?”
Stacy: “Of? Whacked-outness? His sister voted for Nader, twice. That’s about it.”

House: “I’m sure he’s a good guy. He’s probably a great guy. Probably a much better guy than I am. And some part of me wants him to die. I’m just not sure if it’s because I want to be with her, or if it’s because I want her to suffer.”

What do you think about these quotes and House-isms from Gregory House? Let me know. Also, follow me on twitter or Pinterest for more of these TV Shows Quotes and Memes.