Follow
Modern Family keeps being one of the funniest shows on television, and that´s a hard thing to do after over one hundred episodes, but when you found the magic, you keep doing it right; after all, the characters in Modern Family are all among the funniest. Show´s already past half into its fifth season run. So it´s time to check out some of the best quotes and funniest moments from Modern Family Season Five. I will be updating this article as the episodes air, so make sure you come back regularily here for more of the fun lines from the show.
Best quotes from Modern Family season five episode one “Suddenly Last Summer”
In the episode, Mitchell and Cam go behind each other’s backs to set up the perfect marriage proposal, Gloria is sad about sending Manny to Colombia, and Phil and Claire try to arrange the kids’ vacations to maximize their “alone time.”
Jay: If Manny doesn´t come to Colombia, Colombia comes to me… it has happened before.
Manny: Hey Cam, congratulations, go gay marriage!
Phil: Sometimes I don´t know if I love how much I fear Claire, or fear how much I love her
Alex: Dad?
Phil: I´m sorry, was I being proud of you too loud?
Phil: Never let her go.
Phil: Hey Princess, second breakfast?
Mitchell: I´m not doing that, you ghoul!
Gloria: Yes, I love my new story.
Phil: Little heads up, there´s no way I´m not crying in this wedding.
Claire: Phil, you cried on the way here.
Phil: I watched Dirty Dancing before I left.
Phil: You are romantic on your own way. We are different.
Cam and Mitchell: Yes!
Best quotes from Modern Family season five episode two “First Day”
In the episode, Manny and Luke have their first day of high school, Cam works as a substitute social studies teacher, Claire begins her new job working for her dad, and Mitchell’s boss hits on Hayley.
Manny: After a summer in Colombia I´m a changed man.
Gloria: Oh my God, what did you see?
Claire: We are different kind of managers.
Jay: Yeah, I´m yours.
Cam: You are lucky I love you.
Mitch´s Boss: Hey Pritchett, you ´re not a hot single mom I´m trying to seduce. I don´t want to hear about your kid.
Gloria: Everything else is ok?
Director: You haven´t done anything else
Phil: So, yeah?
Mitchell: She´s half your age
Hayley: How old are you?
Mitchell´s Boss: Who cares, soon I´m gonna look twenty. I´ve been meditating in one of those presurized egg.
Hayley: Well, if I go to Cabo what will the sleeping situation be?
Mitchell´s Boss: Not much.
Cam: Can I wear shorts?
Director: You get a whistle too.
Cam: I always get a whistle when I wear shorts.
Cam: Success is not handed to you; it´s not guaranteed. It´s earned.
Best quotes from Modern Family season five episode three “Larry´s Wife”
In this one, Mitchell leaves the wedding plans to Cam, who is busy preparing a cat funeral for Lily.
Meanwhile, Phil tries to cater his real estate business to divorced women, and Gloria thinks her baby
may be cursed.
Phil: Done and done
Claire: Is that an expression, or did you only remember two of the things I said?
Cam: I´m gonna take another look at Florist Gump.
Luke: We have a no girls policy
Hayley: Is it a policy or something that just keeps happening?
Claire: You are juggling all these women, and you are not that good a juggler.
Dylan: These cats and dogs are fighting like… oh
Manny: Making friends everywhere, huh?
Manny: You got a problem with Poppins, you got a problem with me
Phil: She was right
Claire: Louder
Phil: I don´t love this side of you
Best quotes from Modern Family season five episode four “Farm Strong”
In this one Cam’s sister comes to town with good news, Phil and Claire agree to skip Luke’s soccer game, Gloria refuses to admit she needs glasses, and Alex thinks Jay is cheating at Words With Friends.
Mitchell: She´s your sister, not The Hulk
Alex: Grandpa´s my friend
Hayley: Of course he is your friend. That´s not sad.
Phil: Do you imagine how easy it would be if it was just him.
Jay: What did the doctor say?
Gloria: My eyes are perfect
Jay: Where was he watching when he said it?
Alex: You killed them!
Phil: It wasn´t me, it was the robot.
Jay: You´d rather kill your husband than to admit you need glasses.
Jay: How many people need to pretend to die, Gloria?
Cam: Hey dude, it´s Cam!
Mitch: Where?
Cam: Can you believe it?
Mitch: And we are gay again?
Pam: You are not farm strong
Cam: You take that back, Pamela Jessica Tucker!
Cam: Hey, I can say it.
Gloria: Glasses! You sonobabich!
Cam: I´m sorry can you push your boobs down, cause I can´t hear you
Cam: Your Beyonce loving wife went to Luke´s game without you
Phil: I´m so mad at you, I´m so proud of you
Pam: Look at me, I´m crying like a Cam
Gloria: So you´ll like me if I´m all wrinkly and saggy?
Jay: I wouldn´t make it a goal
Jay: I won´t be able to hear her, she won´t be able to see me
Gloria: We´ll be together forever
Best quotes from Modern Family season five episode five “The Late Show”
In this episode, Jay pulled a lot of strings to get reservations at the hottest new restaurant for a family adult’s night out.
Unfortunately, in each household everyone is running late.
Hayley: What are you doing?
Phil: Striking a seductive pose for your mother
Hayley: Gross, but I like the suit.
Phil: Stay if you want your mom´s tongue fall out of her mouth
Hayley: Not unless you want to watch my food fall out of mine
Phil: If he´s old enough to watch The Walking Dead with me
Claire: He´s not
Phil: He´s old enough to stay home alone
Claire: He´s not
Manny: That was very mature
Jay: Well, I´m a lot older than when she started to get dressed
Claire: Slow down FloJo.
Mitch: You are crying without tears
Cam: Give me a minute
Mitch: Nice theory Nancy Grace
Claire: Why isn´t Luke picking up the phone?
Phil: It´s hard to pick up the phone when you´re tied up by a recent paroled pizza guy
Phil: Do you think I want anything to happen to Luke? He´s my favorite, which I didn´t just say
Phil: You have to stop it. This suit can´t get any tighter
Best quotes from Modern Family season five episode six “The Help”
In it, Phil tries to get dad back in the dating scene, Jay does not like Gloria’s new choice for a nanny, and Mitchell and Cameron are not impressed with their old friend Pepper’s plans for their wedding.
Jay: There´s an embarassing press conference in that kid´s future
Phil: Yes, your dad is so in touch with his feelings. When a man is overcome with emotions on a Celine
Dion´s concert you don´t tell him to grow a pair
Andy: I´m the new manny
Manny: Am I being replaced?
Jay: He´s a weird man, he´s like Phil, but I have to pay for him
Claire: She´s not a therapist, is she?
Renaldo: You are my museses
Cam: Oh Renaldo, what have you done?
Pepper: You plotted against me, I bet that is not a wiggle song either
Mitch: Oh my God
Cam: Renaldo is in love with Pepper
Mitch: That´s why I said “Oh my God”
Phil: So if I´m hearing you right you are not as mad about the prostitute in the kitchen as about
me lying to you
Claire: No, I´m mad about the prostitute in the kitchen
Gloria: I promise I´m gonna try not to yell so much
Jay: You are hired!
Best quotes from Modern Family season five episode seven “A Fair to Remember”
In this one, while at a local fair, Phil tries to surprise Claire with an anniversary gift, Jay works as a “police officer,”
Manny enters a cake baking contest, Luke confronts a crush, and Cameron tries to rally the football team.
Mitch: You know what may make you feel better?
Cam: Gathering my team and putting the fear of God in them
Mitch: I was going to say a churro
Cam: I can do both!
Lily: She´s a mess!
Mitch: Girl.
Jay: You know Manny, I´m gonna say this one last time
Gloria: I doubt that
Phil: No one throws up until I sing
Manny: OK Enid, you wanna dance? Let´s dance
Best quotes from Modern Family season five episode eight “ClosetCon ´13”
In this episode, Claire joins Jay at a closet convention; Cam, Mitchell and Lily visit Cam’s childhood Missouri farm, Phil
breaks Jay’s priceless Apollo 13 model, and Hayley and Alex fight over the pizza delivery guy.
Jay: The convention floor is for losers. Business is done in the bar
Phil: Hey Manimal, how was picture day?
Gloria: Hello Houston, we have a situation
Gloria: Sisters before misters
Cam: What´s that city voice?
Phil: Gloria, get in here
Best quotes from Modern Family season five episode nine “The Big Game”
In this one, Cam tries to break a school record as freshman football coach, Phil is on the verge of his first month without selling a house, Claire still struggles with being the boss’s daughter, and Mitchell tries to let his boss
down easily.
Phil: Two things I always bring to an open house: My lucky pen and a smile
Cam: They are not superstitions when they work
Mitch: That sounds so sciency
Lily: Dad, you are embarassing me
Mitch: Welcome to the rest of your life sweety
Jay: What happened to you?
Phil: There are two types of people, those who stare at a closed door, and those who find a window
Phil: Keep a positive attitude and things will fall your way
Hayley: You really are invisible, huh?
Claire: I started the closet-nado
Cam: It´s fun being part of a team; and it´s really fun being the hero
Best quotes from Modern Family season five episode ten “The Old Man & The Tree”
In this hilarious episode, Luke helps Phil try to reach Canada on his elliptical machine, Jan and Manny try to get a Christmas tree in the wild, Gloria is jealous of Claire and his mom, and a mix-up lands Cam and Lily with the
homeless at Christmas.
Phil: This body don´t just happen, ladies
Jay: Why do we keep changing things that don´t need changing
Claire: Hi, Dad
Jay: Not now, I need to save Christmas
Phil: There is something more important than Christmas: Pride!
Luke: I don´t need people asking questions
Jay: Trees are like women, the best ones make you work a little bit harder
Manny: She´s not just that into you
Phil: The best business card is a firm handshake
Hayley: We need to slip into our regular clothes and sneak out… who am I kidding, my eyes are unforgettable
Alex: I can´t even hold on to a fake husband
Manny: I guess we can tell people that´s how it happened
Jay: That´s how it happened
Best quotes from Modern Family season five episode eleven “And One to Grow on”
In this one, Phil tricks Luke into taking a dance class, but the joke is on him when the white lie indirectly lands him in the
slammer. Meanwhile, Jay and Gloria throw a birthday party for Manny and Joe but are worried that Manny might be hitting on girls who are way out of his league. And Mitch and Cam are having more problems with planning their wedding when they get a rude awakening in the cutthroat world of booking a wedding venue
Andy: When we play peek-a-boo, half the time he´s ahead of me
Jay: Not exactly Clash of the Titans
Mitch: Oh, you are tapping your fingers, you really have a plan
Gloria: What do you like better, the accent or the ballons?
Jay: I´ve been asking that same question since I met you
Jay: I hope you have a recent picture of his heart. You are gonna need it to put the pieces back together
Hayley: Dad, before you get mad
Phil: Oh, we went pass before you get mad when I was sitting in solitary for your crimes
Best quotes from Modern Family season five episode twelve “Under Pressure”
In this episode, The parents go to open house at school, Alex goes see a therapist, Manny and Luke have a double date with twins, and Mitchell doesn’t feel like he’s “green” enough after speaking to his neighbor
Phil: She´s like a self cleaning oven
Manny: Usually Luke and I don´t go for the same type of girls
Luke: Yeah, I´d describe my type as “gettable”
Jay: You can do this now, I saw it on a commercial
Phil: Not with that phone, you may as well say it to your wallet
Manny: I´m not proud of what happened next
Luke: I am
Jay: I used to make fun of guys like you. This is cool
Gloria: I got in trouble
Jay: Whatever she did, add it to my tab
Best quotes from Modern Family season five episode thirteen “Three Dinners”
In it, Phil and Claire take Hayley to dinner to discuss her future, Shorty tells Jay that he and his wife are moving to Costa Rica, and Mitchell and Cam unknowingly interrupt a couple’s surprise engagement dinner
Phil: Think of us as your friends
Hayley: I don´t have forty five year old friends
Claire: You also don´t have forty five year old parents, so calm down
Gloria: This is why all your friends move out
Hayley: I was in no mood, I barely got ten hours of sleep last night
Hayley: I´ve been drinking with Grandpa for years because he loves me and thinks I´m funny when I´m buzzed
Gloria: Deep down you are the most sensitive person in this house
Cam: Devil phone
Gloria: To be honest, this is a little girlier than I thought
Best quotes from Modern Family season five episode fourteen “iSpy”
Lot of spying going on in this one, as Gloria is suspicious of Jay after he says “baby” in a dream, Phil and Claire spy on
Hayley, Luke and Manny, and Mitchell is reluctant to share some juicy gossip with Cameron
Phil: I don´t feel good about us snooping
Claire: That´s why I asked Alex to do it
Phil: Claire, you are a tough one to figure out. You don´t trust bad boys, but yet you married one
Gloria: I shouldn´t be angry, but I am Latin, so I can feel whatever I want
Phil: Honey, I love technology as the next Wozniak, but are you sure we should be spying on our kids?
Luke: I told you, Zombie Parkour is a hit
Cam: That´s different, that´s gossip. Gossip belongs to everybody
Jay: Why in the world would I need to dream about another woman?
Best quotes from Modern Family season five episode fifteen “The Feud”
Gil´s back!, in this episode, The feud between Phil and Gil Thorpe reaches a new level, a lice outbreak hits the family, Hayley and Alex are trapped in the basement by a possum, and Manny and Gloria are embarrassed during a school field trip
Phil: Respect the medalion
Jay: I hate crowded elevators
Gil: Our kids are wrestling each other
Claire: What? What happened? How are you ruining this?
Cam: The day I answer no to that question is today
Jay: The guy that took your necklace
Phil: My medallion
Best quotes from Modern Family season five episode sixteen “Spring-A-Ding-Fling”
In this one, A returning teacher steals Cam’s thunder at the school dance he organized, Mitchell discovers that his new boss is evil, Hayley goes with Phil to an awards show, and Jay and Gloria try to get Lily to confess
Phil: It´s THE banquet for Southern California realtors… literally, it´s the only one
Claire: Ironic my ass, Alex likes Drew
Cam: I may be coach, but I travel first class
Lily: I´m gonna blame everything on him until he learns how to talk
Cam: Hey señor, you just got outcoached
Hayley: You know him as an amazing realtor, but I know him as the greatest dad in the world
Best quotes from Modern Family season five episode seventeen “Other People´s Children”
In it, Gloria and Claire take Lily dress shopping, Jay teaches woodworking to Luke, Cameron tries to get out of a museum trip, and Phil helps Andy make a video for his girlfriend–which Hayley thinks is lame
Jay: Who´s ready to watch some basketball. Why am I looking at you?
Mitch: I don´t know. Unlike you, I don´t need a reason to watch a bunch of guys running around in shorts
Jay: Don´t ruin this on me like you did Olympic Diving
Jay: I thought you were staying to watch the game
Phil: I knew you loved me
Cam: My plan B was to touch a painting and get kicked out
Gloria: Please, for me, you are my stepdaughter
Claire: I´m older than you
Gloria: You see? It´s fun already
Luke: Dad says the only tool you need is a sense of humour
Luke: Grandpa, you are cool, tell me all you know about women
Cam: Why can´t we all be in a farm. I´d make you feel like a bunch of idiots
Phil: I love filmmaking and I love love
Andy: Would you like to reenact Gravity
Phil: I´m Sandra Bullock!
Gloria: Claire, you look beautiful, you are glowing
Claire: Not glowing, sweating
Mitch: A gay wedding is hardly the place to stop someone to be who they are
Jay: These are my prime years of wisdom
Hayley: There´s something about him, you know what I mean?
Alex: Yeah, he´s like dad
Hayley: Eeww!
Best quotes from Modern Family season five episode eighteen “Las Vegas”
While on a trip to Las Vegas, Jay wheels and deals to get a better room, Claire tries to win back the money she lost last year, Phil tries to get into a magician’s club, and Cameron chooses a bachelor party over a spa day with Mitchell
Cam: Oh my God, an actually gay agenda
Cam: I´m embarassed even looking at it
Claire: Then stop
Leslie: I´m Leslie Higgins, it´s a boys name where I come from. I´m your butler.
Phil: The heroes of the underground magic blogosphere
Claire: Buy yourself something sparkly
Gloria: Excuse me, how much is that dog in the window?
Mitch: Gambling is fun, and easy
Jay: Higgins, have a minute?
Leslie: 60 an hour, what may I do for you?
Phil: Not Magic… Metamorphosis!
Burt: I like your style Pritchett, you are in
Best quotes from Modern Family season five episode nineteen “A Hard Jay´s Night”
In this one, Jay’s plans to host a family evening are derailed when Phil gets in trouble trying to sell Gloria’s old apartment and Mitchell doesn’t approve of the wedding topper Cameron’s father made
Cam: Oh my gosh, it´s us
Cam: Today I know love
Mitch: I no love either
Gloria: They think you are my lover
Phil: hahaha, that´s funny. I don´t know if it´s a full room of girls laughing funny
Manny: Were we invited?
Luke: No, but that´s just because we don´t know her or any of her friends
Mitch: This is my worst nightmare
Jay: Let´s just say I have a friend who helps me in these situations
Mitch: I´m listening
Jay: The less you know the better
Mitch: I´m not listening
Hayley: How am I supposed to do this with so many Is (eyes) on my rack
Manny: Sorry
Alex: Move your es (ass)
Manny: I´m going as fast as I can
Manny: Wanna talk?
Luke: You are the dorky sidekick, not me
Manny: Wanna talk nicer?
Hayley: Approval comes from within
Gloria: Something has happened here
Claire: The kids unfriended me again, how am I supposed to know what´s up in their lives
So, what do you think about these quotes? Funny, huh? This article is going to be updated after each episode, so make sure to save it and comeback.
And follow me on Twitter for more quotes on funny shows.