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We are heading towards a big season finale of Bones… we are heading towards a major shocker on Bones… but first… last night an all new episode of Bones aired called The Critic in the Cabernet. In a post filled with Bones spoilers…
Complete Recap and Spoilers of Bones 4×24 – The Critic in the Cabernet
We open at a wine tasting at a fancy winery. Well-dressed patrons sniff and sip the red stuff before nodding approvingly. “And a hint of dark chocolate,” adds one middle-aged taster. The next batch, however, doesn’t go over so well. In fact, a few people almost retch. Why? For starters, a human finger floats in one glass.
Cut to the Jeffersonian, where Sweets administers a psychological test on B&B. “When you respond viscerally we can get to the root of your emotional issues and find out what binds you two together as partners,” Sweets says. When Booth says “hunger,” Brennan says “sex.” When Booth says “happy,” Brennan says “sperm.” When Booth says “egg,” Brennan says “I want a baby.” WHOA! “You would be a very good donor,” Brennan says to her longtime partner. “You would need to be tested first, of course.” Of course.
B&B get a call from the vineyard, leaving Sweets standing in his office, mouth agape. Brennan continues to press Booth, explaining that she simply wants his sperm. Naturally, Booth is a bit confused. But there will be time for baby-talk later. The pair arrive at the vineyard to discover the wine-soaked remains of a human male. Sean Mortenson, the winery owner, is horrified. B&B shrug. Just another day at the office.
Back at the lab, Brennan informs the team that she wants to have a baby despite expressing no “interest in the past.” Hodgins asks if there is a father. “I would like to use Booth’s sperm,” Brennan says with no realization of just how shocking this news might be to her comrades. Angela sits Brennan down to tell her that the baby plan is a bit on the crazy side. Brennan disagrees, noting that she only chose Booth because of his bone structure. “Because he’s hot?” Angela asks with a smile. Says Brennan: “Statistically, attractive people are more successful. I’m only thinking of the child.” Sure you are, Brennan. Sure you are.
Camille enters Booth’s office with news: the body has been identified as Spencer Holt, a wine critic. “Apparently, he could destroy a vineyard with one review,” she says. Camille then asks about Booth’s intentions with Brennan’s uterus. He declines to answer. B&B then head out to interview the wife of the deceased. On the way, Booth agrees to give his partner a baby. “I’ll do it,” he says. B&B interview Mrs. Holt, who lets Brennan hold her baby. Booth asks about a domestic disturbance report a month before Holt’s death. “Our neighbor heard us arguing that’s all,” she says. “I threw some dishes. But it was just the pregnancy hormones.” The wife claims that she would never have hurt the father of her child. Booth isn’t so sure. On the drive back, Brennan tells Booth that she has made an appointment for him at a clinic. “I’d be remiss if I didn’t look at an analysis of your semen,” she explains. Booth raises a single eyebrow.
B&B then interview Charlie Dunwood, who owns the vineyard next door to Mortenson’s swanky set up. As Booth explains, Dunwood sells “the beer of wine” for $3 a bottle. Call him three-buck Charlie. Charlie explains that Mortenson has long wanted to buy him out, calling his cheap vino an “embarrassment.” Charlie was sad to hear that Spencer Holt died because the critic was able to take Mortenson down a notch — not with a bad review, though. “I heard he loves sleeping with Mortenson’s wife,” Charlie explains.
Booth heads to the clinic, where an attendant hands him a cup and a porno mag. Uncomfortable, Booth is about to get down to the business of making a baby (sort of) when none other than Stewie from the TV show “Family Guy” appears on the TV screen. “You’ve got a hot doctor friend,” Stewie says. “Go to her and make a direct deposit like a man.” Booth, having one of his visions, unplugs the TV. “That was impossible,” Booth says to himself. Not when your shows are on the same network, bub.
B&B then head to the home of Kim Mortenson, who denies sleeping with Spencer Holt. Brennan takes one look at Kim’s infant son and disagrees. “That is not your husband’s child,” she says. “The bone markers bear a clear resemblance to Spencer Holt.” Kim admits the truth: the child truly belongs to the victim. She explains that her husband provides, but Spencer was “kind.” Sean Mortenson enters the room, surprised to see B&B. “Keep your mouth shut!” he tells his wife. He then asks B&B to leave.
Back at the lab, Camille and Angela are talking about B&B’s potential baby when Hodgins enters with news. The gooey substance found mixed with the man wine is used in wood stains. And who do we know who works in carpentry? Mrs. Holt. Before you can say “bring her in,” Mrs. Holt is brought in for questioning. “I didn’t kill Spencer,” Mrs. Holt says. “I loved him.” She was aware that he was cheating with Kim, however.
Hodgins and Colin, meanwhile, have successfully removed the wine stains from the victim’s bones by means of more than 700 tablets of denture cleaners (nifty). Brennan notices a circular pattern off cuts on the victim’s rib cage measuring about nine inches in circumference. “What is the circumference of a wine bottle?” Brennan asks. Of course. The critic was stabbed with a broken wine bottle. Oh, the irony!
B&B are back in Sweet’s office. The good doctor seems horrified by Brennan’s matter-of-act attitude about the entire baby situation. “I think you need to acknowledge that there are some emotional considerations that you are denying,” Sweets says. “How can you two not see what’s going on here?” We’ve been asking ourselves the same question for going on four seasons now, Sweets.
Elsewhere, Hodgins and Colin are testing the bottles from Sean Mortenson’s winery by bashing them against watermelons (which, Colin helpfully points out, have the same density as a human head). The bottle design matches the wounds on the victim, but there’s a problem: the bottle will not break no matter how hard they bash the melons. “We have no weapon or cause of death,” Camille says.
But not for long. Hodgins quickly deduces that someone has been counterfeiting Mortenson’s wine and bottling it in cheap containers. Hmm. Who do we know that has access to cheap wine and cheap wine bottles? Charlie Dunwood. Also, the substance Hodgins found earlier turns out not to have come from wood stain, after all. It actually comes from an insecticide. And the only vineyard in the area to use this insecticide? Charlie Dunwood.
B&B bring in three-buck Charlie for questioning. “You charged $100 for a $3 wine,” Brennan says. “Holt found out didn’t he?” Charlie doesn’t deny it. He says he needed the money to fight Mortenson in court. Charlie didn’t want to lose his family’s long-standing winery. Suddenly, Booth sees Stewie — again. Stewie begins slinging insults — again. “If I can’t be involved, I don’t want her to have the baby!” Booth tells Stewie. Brennan is confused. So is Charlie. And, frankly, so are we.
Brennan pulls Booth from the room. “I can’t be involved,” Booth says. “If I’m going to be the father, then I have to be the father.” Brennan panics, pointing out that Booth has been seeing visions and dead people all season. “Something is wrong!” she says. “Trust me!” Booth reluctantly agrees to be taken to the hospital. Later, the team gathers in the waiting room. Brennan emerges, crying. “Brain tumor — usually benign,” she says through her tears. “Statistically, he should be fine.” But this isn’t about stats.
Inside, Booth is being prepped for surgery. He smiles at Brennan, who smiles back. “If I don’t make it, I want you to have my stuff for a kid,” Booth says. “You’re going to be a really good mom.” Our boy is then wheeled into the operating room.
To be continued …
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