Best Quotes from Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother – Neil Patrick Harris Character

Ok, so Barney Stinson´s probably the funniest character nowadays on TV…

He´s definitely the reason of How I Met Your Mother Success…

and here… the thing that makes him so funny… and legen… wait for ir dary and Awesome!

Best Quotes from Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother – Neil Patrick Harris Character

“How I Met Your Mother: No Tomorrow (#3.12)” (2008)

“How I Met Your Mother: The Sweet Taste of Liberty (#1.3)” (2005)

Barney: We are international businessmen!

Barney: It will be legend-wait for it… and I hope you’re not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is dairy!

Barney: This is gonna be legen- wait for it, and I hope you’re not lactose-intolerant because the next word is -DAIRY!

Barney: Ted, get in the cab. Marshall, you too
Marshall Eriksen: Uh i wish i could but i think me and Lily…
Barney: I understand.
[to Ted]
Barney: Come on!
Ted: Why can Marshall say no?
Barney: Uhh, because he’s getting laid.
Marshall Eriksen: [to Ted] Consistently.

Barney: Ted you keep going to the same bar, you’re in a rut.
Ted: It’s not a rut, its a routine, and i like it
Barney: Ted what’s the first syllable in rut-tine?
Ted: [Gives up and gets in the cab]
Barney: Peace out suckers!

Barney: Now, Ted, you can either put the bags on the carrosol, or you can wait and listen to me give you a really long speech convincing you to put the bags on the carrosol.
[Ted doesn’t move]
Barney: …Ted, since the dawn of time, Man has struggled…
[Ted takes the bags and puts them on the carrosol]

Ted: Why can’t we go to McClaran’s?
Barney: McClaran’s is boring. Let’s go to the strip clubs. We’re gonna meet some ladies. Phone five!
[high fives the phone]
Older Ted Mosby: I had no idea why I hung out with Barney.
Barney: You didn’t phone-five did you, Ted? I know when you don’t phone-five, Ted.
Ted: Come on, McClaran’s is fun.
Barney: [motioning with his hand] McClaran’s is THIS much fun. But what I’m offering is the chance to have *THIS* much fun!
Ted: [also using his hands] See, you always say that, you always say it’s gonna be *THIS* much fun, but it always ends up being THIS much fun. This much fun is good. It’s safe.
Barney: This whole hand signal thing doesn’t really work over the phone, does it?
Ted: No, it doesn’t.

Barney: Ted, tonight we’re gonna go out. We’re gonna meet some ladies, it’s gonna be legendary. Phone-five!
Older Ted: I had no idea why I hung out with Barney.
Barney: You didn’t phone-five, did you? I know when you don’t phone-five Ted!

Barney: [talking about the liberty bell] Do you ever go behind the rope and touch it?
Guy #2: Only all the time.
Barney: Do you ever like, stick your head inside it?
Guy #2: Yeah.
Barney: Have you ever licked it?
Guy #2: Nope… I have never licked it.
Barney: I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay it would be – what’s the word? LEGENDARY! Come on Ted, legendary!

[in a cab]
Ted: Okay, where we going?
Barney: First we gotta pick someone up at the airport.
Ted: Okay, I’m leaving.
Barney: Esteban, doors!
[the doors lock]

Barney: Airport bar! Flight attendants, they’ll get your tray table in it’s full upright position. Say what?

Barney: I bet no one in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay, it would be, what’s the word…?
Ted: Well, this is my stop.
[starts to leave]
Barney: …Legendary! Ted, legendary!

Barney: Snow-suit up!

[leaving Philadelphia]
Barney: Coulda licked the Liberty Bell.
Ted: We’re going to the airport.
Barney: …Bong…Bong…Bong…
Ted: Why do I hang out with you? Why? All I wanted was to have a regular beer at my regular bar with my regular friends in my regular *city!*
Barney: [trying to force Ted to make eye contact] Ted! Ted! Ted! You’re not even looking, are you?
Ted: No I am not.
Barney: Ted! Look: our forefathers died for the pursuit of happiness! Not the “sit-around-and-wait” of happiness! Now if you want, you can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day, *or*, you can *lick* the Liberty Bell! You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it!

---

“How I Met Your Mother: The Slutty Pumpkin (#1.6)” (2005)

Barney: Flight-suit up!

Barney: I penguin-suited up to show you the error of your ways.

Ted Mosby: [to someone in a big penguin costume] Excuse me? This is going to sound crazy, but… I met someone on this roof four years ago, and they mixed that cocktail, and they loved penguins… by any chance, was that you?
[the penguin seems to smile]
Ted Mosby: It’s you. Everyone thought I was crazy, but…
[the penguin unmasks to reveal Barney underneath]
Barney: You are such a LOSER.
Ted Mosby: Arrgh!
Barney: Come on, I came back for you, Ted. I penguin-suited up to show you the error of your ways. And to score Hula Girl’s number. Check and check.
Ted Mosby: Unbelievable.

Barney: You know what I love about Halloween? It’s the one night of the year chicks use to unleash their inner ho-bag. If a girl dresses up as a witch, she’s a slutty witch. If she’s a cat, she’s a slutty cat. If she’s a nurse…
Lily Aldrin: Wow, we get it.
Barney: …she’s a slutty nurse.

Barney: Okay, here’s the plan, and I crap you not. I am getting us into the Victoria’s Secret Halloween party. Trust me, by the end of the night, your chad will not be hanging.
Ted Mosby: We can get rejected by supermodels any day of the year. Tonight, I’m gonna go up tp the roof, I’m gonna have a few beers, I’m gonna wait for the slutty pumpkin. It’s just what I do.
Barney: [weighing the options on his hand] Hmm.
[left hand]
Barney: Victoria’s Secret models prancing around in bras and panties, or
[right hand]
Barney: Yale preppies reuniting their stupid acapella group.
[pretends to hear his left hand say something]
Barney: What’s that, left hand? Right hand sucks? Word.
Ted Mosby: I’m heading up to the roof.
Barney: [to his hands] Well, boys, looks like it’s just you and me.
[pretending to hear his hand talk again]
Barney: What’s that? Self-five? Nice.
[gives himself a high five]
Barney: We out!

Barney: [at the lame roof party] I can’t believe you talked me into this.
Ted Mosby: I didn’t, you followed me up here.

[in a fighter pilot costume, talking to the hula dancer girl]
Barney: So what does a fella have to do to get laid around here?… Yeah.
Hula Dancer: Right, because I’m wearing a lei…
[walks away]
Barney: Well, it isn’t funny if you explain the joke!

[in a devil costume, talking to the hula dancer girl]
Barney: Let me guess, every guy has used the “laid” line on you tonight, huh?
Hula Dancer: You wouldn’t believe.
Barney: I apologize for my gender. Let me make it up to you, make you a drink.
Hula Dancer: You certainly are a charming devil.
Barney: I’m also a *horny* devil… Yeah.
Hula Dancer: No.
[walks away]

Barney: Okay, I’m leaving. But just know, this Victoria’s Secret party is on a yacht! And what will be sticking to that yacht? The Barnicle!
Ted Mosby: Really? That’s the nickname now?
Barney: Yeah, the Barnicle!
Ted Mosby: Barnicle Barney?
Barney: That’s it.
[awkward pause]
Barney: Barnicle out!
[leaves]
Ted Mosby: Have fun, Barnicle.

Ted Mosby: [seeing Barney in a devil costume] Barney? What, you’re back?
Barney: That’s right.
Ted Mosby: In a totally new costume.
Barney: Every Halloween I bring a spare costume. In case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression.

[Barney is still dressed as a Devil]
Ted Mosby: I have to pee.
Barney: So go to the bathroom.
Ted Mosby: No, there’s a huge line, and I don’t wanna miss the Slutty Pumpkin.
Barney: So pee off the roof. Ooh! Ted. Pee off the roof.
[some guy dressed as an angel turns around]
Angel: Woah. I wouldn’t do that if I were you, there’s people walking down there.
Barney: Come on, Ted. Who you gonna listen to? Me or Mr. goodie-goodie over there?
Angel: Yeah, whatever, you guys got some weed?

Barney: Okay, Victoria’s Secret party, right now.
Ted Mosby: Nope.
Barney: Come on, I can’t stand watching my delusional friend waste another precious Halloween! Ted, the slutty pumpkin is not coming!
Ted Mosby: She *might*.
Barney: Oy…
Ted Mosby: Come on, Barney, this is not about the odds! It’s about believing! This girl, she… she represents something to me, I don’t know… hope.
Barney: Wow. I did not understand a word you just said.

Hula Dancer: [seeing that Barney is the penguin] Wait a minute. You’re that lame army guy!
Barney: What? No, no, that’s some other guy. And he was a kick-ass fighter pilot.
Hula Dancer: I cannot believe I gave you my number.
Barney: Yeah, well, you did. Thanks.
Hula Dancer: Yeah, well, give it back.
Barney: Well, uh, I don’t think so, I earned it, fair and square. I’m calling you.
Hula Dancer: But I’m never going to go out with you!
Barney: But how will you know it’s me. I’m a master of disguise!… Yeah.
[Hula Dancer walks away exasperated]

Barney: I’m flippering you off.

---

“How I Met Your Mother: Moving Day (#2.18)” (2007)

Barney Stinson: Question one: Ted, do you want to move in with Robin?
Ted Mosby: Yes.
Barney Stinson: Wrong! The answer is: No, I secretly want to stay single and spend time with my awesome friend Barney. Question two: Robin, do you think you can score someone hotter than Ted?
[pause]
Barney Stinson: Correct! The answer was awkward silence. Question Three: Did I make up this quiz to prove a point? Yes. Yes, I did.
Robin Scherbatsky: Really? You mean it wasn’t from Yellow Legal Pad Monthly?

Ted Mosby: Barney…
Barney Stinson: This is not Barney, although I hear that guy’s awesome.

Ted Mosby: [answering Cell Phone] Hello?
Barney Stinson: [talking in a deeper voice] Put on the suit, Mr. Mosby
Ted Mosby: Barney, where the hell is all my stuff.
Barney Stinson: It’s not me. Put on the suit.
Ted Mosby: What suit?
Barney Stinson: Ding-dong. ‘Oh, what’s that?’ The doorbell.
Barney Stinson: [Ted walks to the door] That’s the suit I’m talking about!
Ted Mosby: I’m not there yet.
Barney Stinson: [changing back to his normal voice] Oh, OK, let me know when you get there.
Ted Mosby: OK, I opened it and there’s a suit.
Barney Stinson: [talking in a deeper voice again] That’s the suit I’m talking about!
Ted Mosby: Barney…
Barney Stinson: I’m not Barney! But I hear that guy’s awesome. If you want your stuff back, do exactly as I say. First: Put on the suit. Second: Meet me at McClaren’s in one hour.
Ted Mosby: How am I supposed to know who you are if we’ve never met before.
Barney Stinson: [Barney thinks for awhile] I look like Barney.

Barney Stinson: Ted, you are my bro, and soon you will become a henpecked, beaten-down shell of a man. Tonight, we are having a no-holds-barred celebraiton of brohood, a broing away party, a brolebration, a bro-choice rally, brotime at the Apollo.
Ted Mosby: Oh, bro me!

Barney Stinson: Do you know why you haven’t gotten the truck with your stuff back?
Ted Mosby: Because you’re Admiral Jerk of the British Royal Douchery?

[playing laser tag]
Barney Stinson: Niiiice! WE win!
[Barney and Ted act smug]
Barney Stinson: Ooh, walk of shame,
[points to himself]
Barney Stinson: walk of game. What up!

Barney Stinson: OK! Let’s go one more.
Ted Mosby: I don’t know.
Barney Stinson: You know you want to.
Ted Mosby: Alright, let’s do it. I just gotta call Robin real quick.
Barney Stinson: Arrrghh, so that’s what it’s gonna be like from now on. No ok, ok, you call your old lady and ask permission to have fun. Me, I will be at the snack shack eating our victory onion rings, Han style.
[Ted gives a confused look]
Barney Stinson: Solo.

Barney Stinson: Suit with sneakers. A little Ellen DeGeneres, but you pull it off.
Ted Mosby: My other shoes are in the truck with the rest of my stuff. Where is it, Barney?
Barney Stinson: Barney. Only people whose truck I’m not holding for ransom call me Barney. You may call me The Commodore.

Barney Stinson: Ladys and Gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight’s top 10 list. The category: Top 10 things i would have called my truck…
Ted Mosby: It was never your truck.
Barney Stinson: …if Ted hadn’t been a jerk and given it back.
Ted Mosby: It was a rental.
Barney Stinson: Number 10 – ‘The Winne-Bango’. Number 9 – ‘The Pick-Up Truck’. Number 8 – ‘The Ford Explore Her’. Number 7 – ‘The You Scream Truck’. You Scream. Number 6 – ‘Feels on Wheels!’. Hello! Number 5 – ‘The Ride Her Truck’. Number 4 – ‘The 18-Squeeler’. Number 3 – ‘The Esca-Laid’. Ih-ih-ih! Number 2 – ‘The Slam-Boney’. Aaand the number 1 thing I would’ve called my truck if Ted hadn’t been a jerk and given it back…
[Table Drumroll]
Barney Stinson: … ‘The ’69 Chevy’!

Ted: Hello?
Barney: Put on the suit, Mr. Moesby
Ted: Barney, I know it’s you. Where’s my stuff?
Barney: It’s not me! If you want to see your precious possessions again, put on the suit.
Ted: What suit?
Barney: Ding dong! Oh, what’s that? The doorbell.
[pauses]
Barney: THAT’S the suit I’m talking about.
Ted: I haven’t gotten to the door yet.
Barney: Oh, okay. Let me know when you get there.
Ted: Okay! I opened it… and there’s a suit there.
Barney: THAT’S the suit I’m talking about.
Ted: Barney…
Barney: THIS ISN’T BARNEY! But… I hear that guy’s awesome. Alright! Listen very carefully. You will get your stuff back if you are able to complete a series of challenges. Number one- Put on the suit! Number two- Meet me at McClaran’s in an hour.
Ted: How will I know who to look for, since we’ve never met?
Barney: [dumbfounded] I look like Barney.
[grimaces at own stupidity]
Barney: [Time passes and Ted steals the truck back from Barney. Only, Barney is in the back of the truck, putting the moves on a Rockette]
[Barney answers his ringing phone in a state of panic]
Barney: Hello?
Ted: [Disguises his voice] Enjoying the ride?
Barney: Ted? Ted, you let us out of here! Let us out of here this instant!
Ted: This isn’t Ted. But I hear that guy’s awesome.

Barney: Ted, you’re crazy! This girl is blinding you… with her shiny hair and boob-shaped boobs!
[turns to Robin]
Barney: This is bad for you, too, you know. How are you going to feel when he sees you without any makeup?
Robin Scherbatsky: I’m not wearing makeup right now…
Barney: Holy crap, you’re beautiful!

---

Barney Stinson: [wearing a green suit] Who wants to kiss the Barney Stone?
Lily Aldrin: Hey, look. It’s the Riddler.
Marshall Eriksen: No, that’s Gumby. Later, can we tie you in a knot?

Barney Stinson: Let’s drink green beer! Let’s do green Jell-o shots! Where’s your Saint Patrick’s Day spirit?
Lily Aldrin: We’re drinking green tea.
Marshall Eriksen: With caffeine.

Barney Stinson: Ted, you have to live like there’s no tomorrow, because there is no tomorrow. The world is coming to an end. As predicted by Nostradamus. Notre Dame. Fighting Irish. Irish. Saint Patrick’s Day. It’s your last day on Earth, Bro. Brocopalypse now. Bromaggedon.

Ashlee: I’m Ashlee, with two E’s.
Barney Stinson: Please. Two C’s at most.

Barney Stinson: Come on, it’s not like she has children.
Ted Mosby: How do you know she doesn’t?
Barney Stinson: Wrists. It’s like you don’t even know me.

Barney Stinson: [to Ted] Open your brain-tank “bra”, ’cause here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge! There’s three rules of cheating: It’s not cheating if you’re not the one who’s married. It’s not cheating if her name had two adjacent vowels, and it’s not cheating if she’s from a different area code. You’re fine on all three counts.

Ted Mosby: How do you know she’s from a different area code?
Barney Stinson: She’s 5-1-6! She might dress like she’s 7-1-8, act like she’s 2-1-2, but trust me… she’s 5-1-6! Oh and her husband letting her out alone on St. Pattie’s Day, if that dude’s not 9-7-3. I’m 3-0-7!

Barney: Ted, listen, are you hearing that? That’s the universe, the universe is talking to us.
Ted: We don’t have to build a baseball field do we?

Barney: Unacceptable! That’s *so* not Raven!

Ted: Barney, I’m starting to think about that theory.
Barney: Ted, if you want to know how old a woman is check her elbows.
Ted: Not that theory.
Barney: Oh, you have to be more clear. I have so many theories.

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